


Never Enough

by Lozza



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-13
Updated: 2011-11-13
Packaged: 2017-10-26 01:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/277099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lozza/pseuds/Lozza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning – maybe triggering if you, like me, are that way inclined, contains graphic description of methods of self harm</p>
<p>Danny is a self harmer, has been for years, and has been successful in hiding it. But now, with Gracie getting older and he spending most, if not all of his time in the company of Steve McGarrett, Chin Ho Kelly and Kono Kalakaua he’s finding it more and more difficult to hide.<br/>(For a prompt on Hawaii 5-0 hurt/comfort meme)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

Meka. It was Meka’s murder at the hands of a dirty cop that had put an end to Danny’s almost eighteen month streak of no cutting.

Meka, who had been his first friend on this sun-baked godforsaken rock, who had teased him about his haole ways but in his next breath had invited him home to meet his lovely young wife and child within a week of meeting him. Who had stopped him from beating the living crap out of a group of cops that had been on Danny’s back since the moment he had arrived. Only to take out the leader of their little group himself while his new mainlander partner held off the others.

And it would be Meka himself who would be kicking his ass right now if he knew what Danny was preparing to do.

Detective Daniel Williams, father, brother, son, good cop, was also a self confessed self harmer, a bit like an alcoholic – once a slasher, always a slasher. The urges to cut were always there, in the background of his psyche, sometimes much stronger than he was.

Like now.

So he sat on the john in his tiny bathroom, in his tiny apartment on this tiny speck of pumice and stared at the cheap razor in his right hand.

He had been fighting with himself all day, hell, all the time since Amy had turned up at his place last week, but the anger, loss and tidal wave of loneliness had beaten him into submission, so much so he had even decided by the time he had returned home where he was going to do this, on which extremity, and the position. The only thing he hadn’t decided was how deep and how big, he could never control that anyway, always cutting until he had to stop.

He couldn’t put it off any longer, beating Kaleo had been great, but not enough, never enough, so he took a deep breath and pressed the razor to the skin of his left arm. The blades were cold and sharp against his skin and he clenched his left hand and locked his left elbow to make the muscles harder, giving the metal something to press against. And then started to scrape away at the skin of his upper left arm, just above his elbow.

As usual the first scrapes didn’t do much, just took the hair off, and then the top layers of skin. So he let his anger and pain dictate the movement of his right hand, digging the razor further into his flesh. Soon his blood was streaming down his arm into the sink as he sliced patches of skin away, but he only turned the tap on to wash the razor blades under the stream so it didn’t lose it’s effectiveness.

He used cheap razors because they don’t have any protection to stop cuts like this unlike more expensive ones, but they also got blunt and ineffective really easily. Because of this he always kept a lot, and he had pulled out another one from the silver jar he kept them in. As soon as he felt the blades stop taking as much skin off he dropped it into the sink and reached for the next one.

The wound got bigger and deeper the more he worked on it, the pain making him swear and his eyes tear up. He let the tears stream down his face, mixing with the blood in the sink, crying for his lost friend and his own self loathing that he hadn’t been able to protect him from his enemies.

Eventually the pain in his arm was enough, he was shaking, the fingers of his right hand were cramped around the plastic handle and he forced them to stretch out so he could drop that razor into the sink too. For a while he just sat there, almost mesmerized at his blood – mixed with water – washing away, feeling nothing but the throb in his arm and a sense of relief that he might be able to move on from this now.

But that feeling didn’t last long, it never did. It was soon replaced by a mixture of guilt and worry – guilt that he had failed to stop himself, that he was just not strong enough, and worry that someone would find out about his wound (his weakness) and demand answers that he just could not give.

And it was that that spurned him on to move, to clear up. He stood and spent some time washing his arm, luckily the blood flow had already slowed and started to congeal, but the cold water on his exposed flesh hurt even more and he squeezed his eyes shut and hissed as he did it. There was one advantage of having a tiny bathroom though – all the supplies he had arranged beforehand were in easy reach and he was well-used to dealing with this one handed. He arranged a large absorbent dressing imbued with activated silver over the area to stop infection and taped it down. He then pulled on a gauze-net sleeve thing that he had bought on a whim to make sure the dressing stayed in place, and then worked on cleaning up the mess in the bathroom.

By the time that was done he was tired, cold too, and needed to lie down, so he chucked the cleaning cloths in the trash with a plan to check his cleaning tomorrow to make sure he hadn’t missed anything, changed into his sleep shorts and crawled into his bed. It took a few moments to sort out a position that didn’t hurt his arm too much, but after that he was out like a light and he slept like a log.

 

5-0

 

The next day, a non-Grace Saturday, had him making sure he had cleaned every last speck of what he had done out of his bathroom. He couldn’t trust McGarrett not to burst in at any time and he was like a bloodhound if he thought anything was wrong. So he cleaned his bathroom, threw the razors (both securely wrapped up), the disposable cloths and any dressing wrappers away into the trash dumpsters in one side of the complex’s car park and tried to get on with his day.

The guilt was there though, like a thunderstorm in the distance, making his neck and shoulders ache with it. He felt guilty for Meka, for Amy and their son, for betraying his mother’s trust (he had promised her he would call whatever the time if he had these urges again after one such episode had landed him in hospital), and perversely he felt guilty for not causing himself more damage. Surely Meka deserved more, much more than a ten centimetre squared (ish) patch of flesh on his useless partner’s arm? His life must be worth more than that?

Yes, Danny agreed to his own argument, he did deserve more, but not yet, not today, maybe when that wound started to heal a bit more.

So he kept busy, tidying up his apartment, sorting thing out, putting stuff away or making homes for items that he had dumped on any free surface, anything to stop him from taking more razors to his other arm, or anywhere else on his body.

By the time Steve turned up he had made the space much more tidy and organised, had a shower, changed the dressing (painful) and dressed in a dark-coloured tee shirt with sleeves that covered his arms to the elbows, and a pair of well-worn jeans. And if he covered his injury by not moving his arms so much when he spoke, or making sure he was not standing left side on to his partner, Steve didn’t say anything, putting it down to him still grieving for his friend.

 

5-0

 

Danny could map the failures of his life in the scars on his body. The first time he had cut himself deliberately was when he had yelled at a seven year old Matty and made him cry, and had gotten ‘the talk’ from his father about responsibilities. “You’re the oldest, Daniel.” his father had said firmly to him after he had slapped him, hard, across the legs. “You know more than your little brother and sisters, you should be using that to look after them, not shout at them. You’re strong than they are, Danny, you need to protect them.”

Danny, eleven, was still angry, Matty had taken his favourite Superman toy and broken it, and Danny was the one getting punished for it. It was so unfair! He had stormed out of the house, slamming the door as he had left, and simply walked. His nails were rough from playing outside and while he walked he had scratched the back of his hand and kept doing it until he had calmed down enough to turn round and walk home. He had created a small wound on the back of his hand, about the size of a one cent piece, and he had watched it heal over the next few days and calmed down at the same rate.

That small scar had been replaced/removed over the years by more, at first small wounds in the same place, then more at the sides of his hands where his thumbs joined on. Then his arms and legs. He used anything he could lay his hands on, knew when he was desperate enough where he could go to vent his anger or frustration, humiliation etc.

He’d never been able to deal with his anger properly – his parents had been busy people and relied more and more on their eldest to look after his siblings before and after school until they came home from work. Danny had raged about it, he’d wanted to go with his friends after school but had had to pick up his annoying kid brother and then his sissy sisters and take them home. Matty would rat on him for everything and anything, especially when he figured out that Danny would get punished as well if he did anything wrong, the girls wanted him to do everything for them, and if he complained he was likely to get more ‘talks’ and the occasional slap because he was bad at taking care of his responsibilities. AKA he was a bad son and brother and his Mom and Dad were disappointed because he was just not good enough.

It hurt, but a cut here and there seemed to help – if he couldn’t vent his pain at the people who were causing it, the least he could do was make them see how badly they were hurting him. But he had begun to hide the wounds – cuts, scrapes, the odd burn or two – he didn’t want to get punished for it too and found it difficult to keep coming up with excuses and explanations, there weren’t that many dogs in the neighbourhood he could blame. It was a secret too, something he didn’t have to share with his siblings, that he could keep all to himself. And he found that cutting a furrow into his skin calmed him down, gave him a very real sense of achievement. Watching it heal made him feel better too; it was as if seeing, feeling the pain of his wound go away made his mental pain go away too. For a while at least.

So he kept it secret, hid his skin under clothes until the wounds had healed and the scars faded enough, and created bigger, deeper wounds to correspond with his bigger, deeper fuck ups. He had a large, now very faded scar, on his right forearm when he had found Trey Hill had told people about the kiss they shared. Another on his left arm when his Dad had been so disappointed when he had failed math on the first try, and yet another when his first girlfriend had dumped him because he was too short for her.

The scars visible on both arms were the result of his marriage to Rachel, both during and after. So much so when he had killed his first person because of his job he had had to resort to a penknife on his calf to get any relief. That scar was visible when he allowed himself to tan, just a thin white line now.

The mother of all of his scars was on his other leg, a patch of puckered skin on the inside of his right leg, above his ankle. That was when he had caught Rachel in bed with her boss. He remembered it vividly – they had argued, again, when he had called to explain he was going to be late home, he had his partner had caught a case and had to chase after the perp. She had yelled in his ear that he never gave her any attention, that he only had eyes for Grace and Cam, his partner at the time. She’d hung up on him before he could deny anything, and Cam had slipped an arm around his shoulder in a conciliatory hug. “Let’s go get the bad Guy.” he had suggested. “Then you can go home and be with her.”

Which was exactly what they had done. Cam had taken over the booking and paperwork and virtually shooed him out of the office to go home.

Danny had stopped off at a florist on the way, frowned at the big, expensive car parked on the road outside his house, and walked in to surprise his wife and make it up to her. Only to find someone else was doing it for him.

Rachel had the good grace to be very apologetic, at first, but she had soon reverted to type and started blaming him for it, that at least Stan was giving her some attention.

He hadn’t said anything in reply, too shocked, angry and upset to think of anything to say. Instead he had packed a bag, grabbed his supplies and found a cheap motel where he could hide away for a couple of days. He’d made a mess of his leg, both slices and scrapes, and had left it to heal on it’s own. But it hadn’t, like his heart it became infected, and only his mother’s quick thinking had saved his leg and his life. He had gone round to see her, to explain what had happened, and she had noticed he was feverish as well as soul sick. He had spent the next week in hospital, had been forced to speak to a therapist, but the one and only visit his wife had made was to tell him it was a piss poor stunt to get him to feel sorry for him and she wanted a divorce.

He only had one self inflicted scar on his torso, on his waist, when Rachel’s lawyer had called him to inform him Rachel was moving with Grace to Hawaii and there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it. That one had also been difficult to explain, but he had been stabbed by a doped up meth head in the same place a few days later which had covered that one up.

 

5-0

 

Danny had been able to ignore his urges when he was on Hawaii – he’d just had too many other things to do. First getting here, then finding somewhere to live, settling into his new job and the entirely different culture here. If he had felt the need to cut he had simply walked into the canteen at work and sat on a table with some native officers – their barbs at his skin colour, dress code, accent and habit of talking a lot were pointed enough to hurt.

Even Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett barging into his life and taking it over hadn’t caused him a problem, with cutting anyway.

Until Meka had turned up as a charred corpse in a pig pit and everyone thought he had deserved it.

They had sorted it out though, found the culprit, reinstated Meka’s reputation and gotten his widow all the benefits he had worked so hard to give her. But he was still dead, and Danny still felt guilty about it.

As Danny’s wound healed, so did his pain, and he could continue on as the best father, partner, friend, cop he could be.

 

5-0

 

And then Matty turned up to shatter the illusion of self-control Danny had woven around himself.

By that time he had replenished his stock of razors and dressings and had bought a craft knife and some extra blades from a store Grace had taken him to. He had managed to leave them all alone after Gracie and Rachel had been car jacked, mainly because his partner had lurched them all from one crisis to another, but this? This was too much for him to fight against.

Steve, a man Danny was steadily falling for, whatever he tried to do to stop it, had lied to the FBI for his useless younger brother who was far too stupid to realise what he was getting himself, and his family in to. Danny had stood at the airport, unable to stop him from getting on a plane with millions of dollars of drug money because again, and as usual, he was just not strong enough, not good enough to look after his responsibilities. He couldn’t shoot his brother, despite what the cop side of his brain had screamed at him to do. But he could shoulder the responsibility of Matty’s escape with the FBI; he wasn’t going to let Steve take the fall for him. They had finally let him go after almost 30 hours of interrogation, stuck in a room at the FBI office in Honolulu while the agents asked him the same things over and over and over again.

In the end he had avoided a charge of obstruction by the skin of his teeth, because he had told them everything he knew and let them go through his finances, private laptop, car and apartment. He didn’t hide anything from them, it wasn’t worth it to hide, and eventually, a bit disgruntled, the agents let him go. Steve, who had been stalking the FBI office since Danny had managed to get a call to him an hour previously took one look at his exhausted face and didn’t hold back. His fist got up close and personal with the shirt of Kipton, the volume of his yelling put any self respecting boot camp instructor, and Danny, to shame, and he was just about to introduce the agent to the middle of next week with his other fist when Danny caught hold of it and stopped him.

“It’s not worth it.” he said tiredly to Steve when his partner looked over at him. “He’s doing his job, same as you or I have done before. Matthew, and this guy.” he nodded at Kipton. “Aren’t worth it.”

“You are, Danny.” Steve replied firmly but dropped the agent anyway. “I don’t care who they are, or who they think they are.” he added and completely ignored the roomful of agents his outburst had drawn. “You’re better than all of these people. You are so worth it.”

Danny knew he was wrong and shook his head. “Matty was my responsibility, Steve.” he replied, mirroring his father’s words from years before. “I should have stopped him, but I wasn’t strong enough. I have to take the consequences of that. Please just let’s get out of here. Is my car outside?” he asked anyone who would listen.

Kipton nodded and stepped up to the Detective with the keys in his hand, ignoring the man who had been choking him only moments before. “It’s parked out front.” he told him, and didn’t flinch when Steve snatched the keys from his hand. “If we need anything else we’ll be in touch, Detective.”

Steve glared at him and shook his head. “If you need anything else, agent.” he sneered the word as an insult. “You’ll come through me.” Then he ignored him for his partner. “Come on, Danny, let’s get out of this rancid place.”

Danny let him usher him out of the office, out of the building and into the passenger seat of his Camaro. He didn’t take note of everything that had been moved around in it, he let Steve grumble about untrained hands on all of his stash of weapons moved around but at least not confiscated, he would have marched straight back into that office and demanded them back if that had happened. He didn’t even query about where Steve’s own transport was, (Chin had dropped him off), he spent the entire trip home deciding what tool he was going to use and how much he was going to have to cut to even start to alleviate this amount of pain and guilt.

But Steve, bless his controlling heart, drove straight past Danny’s place to his own house and ignored his partner’s muted complaint. “Are you hungry, Danno?” he asked him instead as he drove onto the driveway. “I can make you something light before you go to bed. You’re going to crash in my old room, I got a new bed.”

“What, no asking me? No making a suggestion? Just an order, Steven?” Danny managed to comment as his partner stopped his car and turned off the engine. “I have a perfectly good bed at my place.” And a nice new sharp knife to try out in my cutting stash.

Steve smiled at him and shook his head. “No, you don’t.” he retorted fondly. “That thing just makes our backs ache. The mattress upstairs has a memory foam topper with your name on it, Danno. You’ll be asleep before you know it.”

Danny was too tired to argue with him, too numb to really care, but the memory foam sounded good. So with a long-suffering sigh he climbed out of the car and followed his force of nature partner to the house. “I just need to shower.” he told him as he walked past the kitchen to the stairs. “Can I do that?”

Steve nodded. “Fresh towels for you in the main bathroom.” he replied, and watched him make his tired way upstairs. If Matthew Williams turned up on his islands any time soon, Steve was going to make sure he suffered, a lot, for what he had put his brother through. He was going to suffer a hell of a lot before Steve would be ready to hand over what was left of him to the FBI, he had plans and the means to follow them through. No one, not even family, was going to hurt the man Steve was rapidly falling in love with and get away with it.

 

5-0

 

It had been two days later when the Detective managed to escape Steve’s ever vigilant presence long enough to go home, and only on the pretence of having to get more clothes and Grace’s things from his apartment before picking her up and taking them both back to his partner’s house again. And Steve was probably waiting for him, counting the minutes he was gone.

But he couldn’t fight the urges any longer, he’d spent the last day or two at Steve’s walking around, checking everything to see what he could use. He’d found a couple of things, and one of his partner’s extensive first aid kits too, but had not gone any further. He had never cut anywhere he didn’t live in (family home, college dorm or his apartment) and he wasn’t going to start now. Steve would probably never forgive him for giving in to his urges. He was sure his partner would get rid of him the moment he found out about this, because Danny wasn’t strong enough to cope with the shit in his life when Steve himself seemed to be handling his losses a whole lot better.

So he waited until he got home and grabbed his stuff from where he had kept it hidden from his daughter, she didn’t need to know about his particular bad habit. This one had to be quick, he only had a few minutes, and so he quickly found the craft knife, clipped in a new blade and unravelled his left sleeve. He pressed the blade to the skin of the top of his arm, closed his eyes and pulled sharply across. It hurt like hell; anyone who thought self-harmers got into some sort of ‘zone’ when they were cutting were delusional. He hissed in pain, dropped the knife in his trusty sink and slapped a dressing over his bleeding arm to absorb anything straight away.

The cut wasn’t as deep or as wide as he wanted it to be, but he had no time. All he could do was press the dressing there for a few moments to try and stop the bleeding, then stretch over a few steri strips to hold it closed. He covered it with a couple more dressings and strapped them down before changing into another dark shirt and getting back to grabbing his stuff for his and Gracie’s weekend with Steve.

 

She was waiting for him at the steps of her expensive school, all beautiful grins and pigtails bouncing when he got out of the car and crouched in front of her. “Danno!” she crowed and threw her arms around him in a tight hug – right over his newest, throbbing wound. He tried to bury his groan in her shoulder and moved it from under hers, and she noticed. “Danno?” she queried. “Are you all right?”

Danny paused a moment before he looked up to school his face into, what he hoped, was a reassuring smile. “I’m fine, Monkey.” he assured her, and kissed her cheek. “So much better now. You ready to go spend the weekend with Uncle Steve at the beach?”

Diverted, she grinned and nodded. “Can we swim? Go surfing? Have pineapple pizza?”

“Ho, no!” he protested and stood, his giggling daughter still in his arms. “No way, Monkey! No way are we, including you, gonna have pineapple on pizza! Who told you that?”

She was still telling him about Tommy and her other friends and their exploits as he drove into the driveway of her mother’s house a few minutes later. Rachel was waiting for them on the doorstep with a smile and Gracie’s packed bag. He didn’t really know what to say to her –he had gone to her when Matt had left and ended up doing the only thing they did well and he didn’t know how he felt about it. He was tired of all the crap, his arm hurt, his soul hurt, and he realised then as he watched Grace say goodbye to her mother he wanted to apologise to Steve for sleeping with Rachel. So he smiled at her, took the backpack she offered and shook his head at the questioning look in her eyes. “I’m sorry.” he murmured as Grace walked back to the car. “I shouldn’t have come here a few days ago. I’m sorry.” And he left her there, frowning at him as he got back in his car and drove away.

 

5-0

 

Watching Grace and Steve play together in the sea behind his house was calming to Danny, and he found himself settled down in one of the chairs on the beach, relaxed enough to watch them.

Steve had hugged Grace a lot when they had arrived, teased his partner about his mid length sleeves, and informed him that Kono and Chin were coming over for dinner. All of which allowed Danny to hope they would all be distracted enough to not notice his melancholy, or his wound. He didn’t normally slice like that, bit he had been in a hurry, and he was a bit concerned about how long it would take to heal and how he could hide it, he was going to be around trained detectives after all. Just before he had sat down here with a beer in one hand he had gone into a bathroom to check it and was relieved to find it had stopped bleeding, but it still hurt, throbbing with every beat of his heart. A normal (for him anyway) scrape only tended to hurt when he changed the dressings so this was a little different. The only thing he could really do was wait and see what it would do, he had only ever sought medical help for anything self inflicted once, and he wasn’t going to waste a doctor’s or nurse’s precious time on something he had caused himself. All he really needed to do was keep it clean, covered and hidden, and it was only the last thing that was going to be really difficult.

Talking of which, he could hear the unmistakeable sound of Chin’s bike headed up the driveway in front of the house, followed by another vehicle, probably Kono’s, so he stood and indicated with a hand to Steve and walked back in the building to the front door. As he had thought it was the other two members of their team, who greeted him warmly, as if they hadn’t seen him in days, rather than the mere two hours it had been. They arrived loaded with food too, making Danny very pleased he had bought a couple of cases of beer with him – the evening was shaping up to be a pretty good one.

 

The weekend had been great actually, his team had obviously decided to rally around him and make him forget, as much as he could, about his treacherous brother. Danny had slept well in Steve’s old room, Gracie tucked up in Mary’s, and when he had woken in the mornings he had made sure to get to the bathroom without his two housemates noticing his arm.

It had been a close thing though – Grace had almost walked in on him in the shower when she woke up on Saturday and he had twisted away from her, trying to hide his arm and his junk from her behind the shower curtain, hoping she’d not seen anything untoward. She was sleepy after all, had simply yawned and said “Morning Danno” and turned round and walked out, going to the small bathroom on the ground floor. If she noticed his arm she didn’t say anything, to him anyway.

Later Kono had inadvertently punched him on his cut later in the day when the five of them had stopped at Kamekona’s for shave ice, and all of them noticed his wince of pain, sudden and sharp. He had tried to make light of it, telling Kono that she had got him on a sore spot he’d gotten from their last fire fight a couple of days ago. Kono had taken that, but Danny saw the same calculating expression on Steve and Chin’s faces and the look they shared with each other. He knew them, without a shadow of a doubt, his charade was over, it was only a matter of time before one or both of them would interrogate him about it. With Steve AND Chin on his case, he was screwed.

If Grace joined in with any observations she had made either that morning or previously, he was well and truly fucked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning – maybe triggering if you’re that way inclined, contains graphic description of methods of self harm
> 
> This also has some AU about season 2 ... and some fluff too!

It seemed, for a few weeks at least, that Danny was spared the double humiliation of Steve McGarrett and Chin Ho Kelly, two men he respected a lot (not that he was going to tell Steve that in a hurry, the man already had a big enough ego) finding out their haole wasn’t as strong as they thought he was. But that was only because everything seemed to be spiralling out of control, not just his own life.

Rachel hadn’t taken his rejection well, in fact she seemed almost desperate for him to start sleeping with her again, which confused him and worried him too. Why now, when things with Wo Fat were hotting up? Why all of a sudden did she want him again after years if screaming abuse at him?

He didn’t waste too much energy on it though, work was becoming a nightmare, Steve was spending more and more time with Jenna and their mutual search, Chin and Kono’s family issues were causing them both problems, and the whole string of islands had seemed to erupt in criminality. None of them really had time to think about his odd scars as they all island-hopped, chasing after drug dealers one day, murderers and gunrunners the next.

It was enough to lull the Detective into a false sense of deranged security that he had gotten away with it.

Until one morning when he woke slowly with his clever and observant daughter standing over him.

Danny knew something was up the moment he opened his eyes and he turned quickly onto his back, right hand reaching for the gun he had taken to keeping in his nightstand. He relaxed a little when he saw Grace standing beside his bed in her pjs, holding her favourite stuffed shark that Steve had bought her. “Gracie?” he asked as he sat up. “Are you okay? What is it, Monkey?”

“I heard Mommy talking to someone on the phone yesterday.” Grace answered him, her voice small and worried. “She said you had more scars, so you were more stressed. And I remember having a talk at school about stress and worry. What did she mean, Danno?”

Danny sighed and patted the mattress next to him and pulled her up when she climbed up. She snuggled close to his side and he hugged her tightly, resting his cheek on her soft hair. He held her tightly while he thought about what to say to her, he had to weigh up lying to her outright or simply not telling her the complete truth. “Stress does things to me.” he explained after a while. “Normally gives me bad dreams and heartburn.” he added truthfully. “I’ve just got more scars now because some people don’t want to be arrested." He had decided a long time ago that he wasn’t going to lie to his child, but he really didn’t want her worrying over the violence his job exposed him to, or the violence it made him cause.

“So they hurt you?” she asked him in a small voice.

He hated to hear the fear in her tone so he gathered her up onto his blanket-covered lap and hugged her tight. “Not a lot.” he answered her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Uncle Steve, Uncle Chin and Aunt Kono make sure of that.”

She nodded and reached out to trace the thin, fading scar on his right bicep, left over from the last cut he had made when Matty had left. “Did someone do this to hurt you?” she asked him curiously.

What to say without lying to her? “Yeah.” he admitted in the end. “But it wasn’t serious, and it didn’t hurt much.” Now that was a lie, it had hurt like hell for about a week, as much so he had almost given in and gotten some proper medical help for it. But he had persevered with it, and now it was just a thin, pink line he could explain away.

She nodded and shifted a little so she could kiss his temple. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Danno.” she told him and laid her head back against his chest.  
“Neither do I, Monkey.” he replied, and kissed her hair. “Neither do I.”

Grace nodded and closed her eyes again, falling asleep quickly in the warmth of his arms, his steady heartbeat against her ear. He sat with her for a long time, going through the conversation in his mind. After his initial (and hour long) self-flagellation for deceiving her he then started to worry over what else she had said. Rachel had known about his cutting, she had still been his next of kin in New Jersey when he had ended up in hospital because of his ankle. But whom was she telling on the phone, and why would they want to know?

 

5-0

 

The game was up for his secrecy when Uncle Steve picked up his beautiful daughter from her school when Danny couldn’t.

Grace frowned after her initial delight in seeing him there, and hugged him tightly. “Where’s Danno?” she asked him when they let go. “Is he all right?”

“He’ll be fine.” Steve replied, and smiled reassuringly at her. “He’s not feeling too good and asked me to pick you up. I need to take you to him at the hospital.”

She frowned a bit more and took the hand he offered her in hers, letting him lead her back to the car. “Will he get another scar?” she asked him when he had strapped her in. “Like the new one on his arm?”

Steve frowned too and thought rapidly. Danny hadn’t complained recently about getting wounded, the last time he had had something on his arm, that the Commander knew about, was a few months ago now. “Which arm, Honey Bee?” he asked her as he fired up the Camaro and drove away from the school carefully.   
“His right one.” Grace replied after a few moments of thought.

Which wasn’t the wound Steve had been thinking of. Something tugged at his memory; of Danny looking like he was in pain when Kono had tapped him a while ago, but he remembered his partner had brushed it off as Kono punching him a bit too hard. Over the time he had known him Steve had figured out a little bit about his partner – the more Danny was hurt, the less he bitched about it. Maybe his arm had been more damaged that they had thought? But Steve couldn’t for the life of him think how he could have been hurt that badly for him to not say anything. Unless of course Matthew or one of his associates had actually shot at his partner while making their escape. Biting his lip in sudden anger and worry Steve shook his head. “Not like that, Gracie.” he replied, deciding to get to the bottom of it. “He breathed in something bad, but he’s getting better now.”

Grace nodded, satisfied, and spent the rest of the journey telling him about the project on the marine life around the islands they were doing at school.

 

Steve stood back and watched as his sleepy partner smiled widely and embraced his daughter when they were reunited. Danny was looking much better than he had done, but still washed out and tired. Steve took the opportunity to study his arms wrapped around his little girl in some detail. Danny was wearing the short-sleeved tee Steve had grabbed from the stash they kept in the trunk of the Camaro for emergencies and it showed his muscled arms nicely. The Commander perused his right one first, and quickly spotted the scar on his bicep, just underneath the hem of the sleeve. It wasn’t new, but it hadn’t faded completely so it could have only been a month or two old. It was a slice as well, incised like a knife, and he racked his memory for the last time Danny had been knifed. Nothing recent enough to explain that one.

With a frown he studied more, and his concerned brain pointed out some more odd, unexplained scars. The majority were on his upper arms, normally hidden by his button-down work shirts or half sleeved tee shirts, and if Steve hadn’t now been looking for them he wouldn’t have noticed them. One of the largest he could spot was on Danny’s right arm, above his elbow and disappearing under the sleeve of the shirt. From what he could see the scar was almost as wide as it was long, wrapping around his arm, and the skin was tinged pink rather than the pale tan surrounding it. It looked like a graze or a burn and again it was nothing Steve could explain away from their work.

He stared at it and then at his friend’s face to study him some more, only to find Danny staring up at him over his daughter’s hair.

Danny was adept at schooling his own faces as he was at reading Steve’s, so the Commander could only see tired gratefulness in his expression. “Thanks, Babe.” Danny said to him gratefully. “For bringing her here.”

“No problem.” he replied and pulled up a chair to sit beside them. He laid his arm on the mattress beside his partner and rested his chin on them, which gave him a close up view of Danno’s right arm now he had let go of Grace. “We had a good talk about marine life around the islands, didn’t we?”

Grace grinned, nodded and launched into it again for her attentive father who listened intently, allowing his partner time to gaze at the appendage virtually under his nose.

Danny’s right arm was muscled, and Steve knew exactly how powerful they were, he’d been introduced to his fist the very first day they had worked together after all. But he’d not been this close before and he took the opportunity to study. He looked past the blond hair to the soft skin underneath and realised with a sinking heart that Danny’s arm was covered in scars, and his hand too. Most of them were patches, as on his upper arm, but there were a couple of silvered lines too, hopefully all on the outside of the limb – if it was an indication of what he thought if was, he hoped there were none on the fragile inside of Danny’s arm. Steve couldn’t see Danny’s left arm from where he was, that was still wrapped around Grace’s waist, but he didn’t think for one minute that it had less damage.

He really wanted to ask Danny about them, to demand answers and to examine every part of him to see if he had more, but he knew the blond wouldn’t answer with Grace there. So instead he ended up sighing and watching him interact with his daughter.

Danny heard his sigh and moved his arm from under his nose so he could gently massage the nape of his friend’s neck with his fingers. He hadn’t noticed Steve’s study of his skin, and had misinterpreted his sigh as tiredness and worry about the sarin, and he simply wanted to comfort him.

 

5-0

 

Steve didn’t really get a chance to confront Danny about his fears until much, weeks later. He had been surprised to return to the hospital later that day to find Rachel asleep, her head resting on Danny’s strong shoulder. Almost as surprised as Danny looked. “I don’t know.” Danny whispered at his partner’s frown. He did look floored and Steve took pity on him and grinned.

“We got the guy.” he told his partner instead, giving Danny the information he knew he could process. “Some stupid business deal. We got all of the stuff too.” He refrained from telling him how they had gotten the guy and how petrified he had been watching him die. The only thought running through his head at that time was that that could have been Danny, and he could so easily have lost his partner and best friend that day. “Did the Doc say when you can go home?” he asked him instead.

Danny shrugged the one arm he had free. “Tomorrow, probably.” he replied. “Depends on some sort of lung test.”

Steve nodded and put his worries about unexplained scars to the back of his mind. Instead he simply listened to Danny talk for a while and waited for him to go to sleep again before he left him there.

 

It was actually a couple of days later when Steve managed to sit down with him somewhere and talk properly, even for a few minutes. “I don’t know what’s going on with Rachel.” Danny admitted, his opener going straight to the point. “I was stupid once and slept with her after Matty had left, but that’s it. I shouldn’t have, I only went over there because she knew Matty as well. She told me she was lonely, that she and Stan were having problems.” He sighed and raised his hands in a question. “And it felt pretty good to shaft him. At the time.” he admitted. “I know that makes me an asshole.”

Steve shook his head with a fond smile. “That makes you a guy, Danny.” he argued. “But don’t forget, she’s not the only fish in the ocean. You may be surprised about how many people are available, you know.” he added. “And how close they are.”

Danny frowned at him, trying to decipher his cryptic remarks. “If you’re coming on to me Steve, now is not a good time.”

Steve shrugged and leant forward so he was pressing his forehead against his partner’s, and cupped his face in one large hand, lightly caressing his cheekbone with his thumb. “You’ll let me know when it is a good time. Won’t you?” he asked him quietly.

Danny huffed with laughter and made the small move it took to lightly kiss his lips. “Yes, Smooth Dog.” he assured him, fondly amused too. “When I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know.”

 

And then the crap had really hit the fan while the pair of them had been standing right in front of it.

Steve seemed to have all the time in the world now to brood about his predicament while he was caged in solitary, but when Danny had come to see him and looked so bad he realised that he had other things to worry about too. He couldn’t see his partner’s arms, under those stupid shirts he wore, which, he realised, was probably why Danny wore them. He got very angry when Danny had told him he’d been fired – all his partner had ever wanted to be was a cop and a corrupt official had taken that from him. He didn’t dare ask his friend if he had any new wounds just in case he upped and left Steve there, trapped behind three inches of Plexiglas. But Danny’s tells were his lovely blue eyes, and they showed him how much pain he was in, exactly what he was suffering, and he had to do something to alleviate that. So he took the chance Hesse gave him and embraced it with both arms, concentrating on getting back to his partner.

 

5-0

 

Danny sat in his apartment when everything had calmed down and his partner had been exonerated, and started at his jar. It as early in the morning, he’d woken with a start from yet another nightmare; this one where Wo Fat was standing over Steve’s prone form in the Governor’s mansion and shot him as calmly as he had shot Jameson. It would have been so easy for the guy to do that, on the video it was obvious that Steve out cold, and Wo Fat had aimed the weapon at him after he had killed Jameson. He had changed his mind and decided to frame him instead, for which Danny was grateful.

That was the only thing he was grateful for; his apartment building had been sold, Steve was spending more time with Weston, Kono was still suspended, and Rachel had just told him the baby was not his. The only thing he could control was this, in front of him in his silver jar he’d gotten out and placed on the side in the bathroom. He had bought more supplies a couple of days ago, more cheap razors, more dressings and such to deal with the aftermath. As usual the urge to cut had been increasing over the past couple of weeks until now when they were so strong he was now struggling to breathe past the need to the pain in his chest. Other times he had had something to stop him, most of the time it had been because Grace was coming to say with him and that had caused him to pause. Now though he had nothing to stop him, and he reached for the jar and fished out what he needed. He was well versed at what to do now, he’d been doing this for so long it was only moments for him to stand over the sink, plant his left hand in it and lean on it a bit to harden up his muscles again.

This time he really made a mess of his arm, using three razors before he started to feel better, to feel less like an abject failure. His blood splattered around the basin with the force of his anger digging the blades into his flesh, he watched the warm, viscous fluid mix with the water and disappear down the plughole. He finally stopped when the pain of the last pass of the third razor shocked him into dropping it into the basin with the other two and he sat down heavily onto the toilet seat again. He breathed deeply and wiped his tearing eyes on his right shoulder, and simply sat there for a few moments, eyes closed as he calmed down. “How the hell are you gonna hide this one, asshole?” he murmured to himself after a few moments and opened his eyes again, studying the wound.

This one stretched from the top of his arm, past his elbow to the middle of his forearm, with the majority if the damage on his elbow. He wasn’t going to be able to hide this for long, he knew from past experience that bending his arm was going to be a problem for a week or so. Probably something else Steve could push him aside for and spend more and more time with Lori Weston. He had noticed the progression and told himself that his partner had new, better people to play with now, which was another reason for his need to hurt. At least now Danny knew he could feel something other than self-loathing, even if it was just pain.

He couldn’t just sit there all night and watch as his blood started to congeal on his arm though, even now the usual reaction was setting in – his other hand was shaking, he felt cold to his core and knew he would start to shiver soon, all of which he preferred to deal with in bed. So he patched himself up as well as he could, cleaned up as much of the mess as possible and dragged his sorry butt back to bed.

 

5-0

 

Danny was okay for a couple of days after that: he stayed in his office, catching up with mountains of paperwork and checking Denning’s new requirements against his previous reports so he could get them signed off without too much of a problem. As he had thought he could barely move his arm on the first day and he had tried to hide it from his team mates, with varying degrees of success.

Chin had noticed he was favouring it when Danny emerged at lunch time to get some more coffee, and despite the Detective’s own determination to stop hiding from his friends, he found his mouth saying something else. “I just slept a bit awkwardly, Chin.” he explained as he poured himself some Kona from the pot. “I’ve taken some ibuprofen, it’ll be fine.” He must have pulled it off he thought, because the other detective nodded.

“If it keeps giving you problems I know someone who can do some acupuncture or massage, brah.” Chin told him. “You want to get some lunch with us?”

Danny’s stomach flipped unpleasantly at the thought and he shook his head. Besides, he knew Chin’s ‘us’ meant him and Kono and he didn’t want to intrude on their time together. Her family had decided that she was in trouble because of Chin Ho and were making it very difficult for them to see each other, let alone the rest of the team. “No thanks.” he replied with a smile. “I brought something in. But give her a hug from me?” he asked. “Tell her I love her, and I’m trying my hardest to sort this crap out for her.”

Chin grinned at him, indicating he had said exactly the right thing. “Will do, brah.” he replied. “Don’t forget to eat too.”

Danny nodded and watched him go and sighed in relief. He was alone in the office, Steve and Lori had gone out earlier and weren’t due back until later and he let himself relax just a little. He took his coffee back into his office and quickly checked his arm over, gently pulling up his sleeve so he could look. As usual the wound was seeping some clear liquid into the dressings he had put on, but there wasn’t so much at that time, and he had worn a thicker shirt, just in case eagle eyes saw the dressing pads through it. So far he had gotten away with it, he wasn’t holding out much hope of that continuing.

But did he want to keep on hiding? He had managed it for years from his family, expecting a whole lot of recriminations from them, but when his mother found out she had been surprisingly ambiguous to start with. When she had processed it all however, she had dumped him in her car, driven him out to the beach away from crowds and they had talked all afternoon. She had actually listened to him, and Danny had explained, as much as he could, rather than using his words to divert her attention. It had been cathartic for them both, she had promised not to demand he stop or get embroiled in therapy and anti depressants, and he had promised to call her when the urges got too much for him. They had both kept to that, and Danny had called her a couple of times when he had been sitting, staring at his silver jar and perceived redemption within.

But then he had had to tell her he was moving 5000 miles away to the middle of nowhere since her ex-daughter in law had taken her grandchild away and their relationship had soured a little, even more so when he had called her to explain about Matty. She had gone ballistic at that one, yelling her pain and anger at him down the phone, demanding he explain why he had let Matty get into so much trouble, why he hadn’t helped him more and why he had let him go. He’d let her yell, she didn’t accuse him of anything he hadn’t already blamed himself for, and he hadn’t even mentioned his need to cut over it.

He stared at the dressings on his arm for a moment before he recovered it with his sleeve and spent some more time going through possible outcomes of the conversation with Steve. None of them were good! How would he even broach the subject? “By the way Steve, I’m a cutter and no, it doesn’t mean I’m suicidal.” was probably not going to go down very well. He could see Steve going through his things, chucking out everything sharp, forcing him into therapy that he didn’t want and probably checking him over daily for any new cuts – in the middle of their offices, with everyone looking on. It was enough to make him shudder with horror and humiliation, and carry on hiding for as long as he could.

It was difficult though, he hated lying to his team, especially Steve, he despised the thought that he had let him, let them down, as if he had failed them for not being able to deal with his troubles. Steve had been forced to listen to his father being murdered, had found out his mother had been murdered too, had dealt with his sister being kidnapped and the betrayal of Jameson with laser-sharp focus, seemingly able to shake it all off and carry on.

Chin had spent years being classed as a dirty cop by friends, family and colleagues alike, losing them all, all to protect his uncle with a strength of loyalty that astounded Danny.

And Kono seemed to be dealing with her suspension from a job she had always wanted to do through no fault of her own with a tenacity he could only hope to attain.

So what gave him the right to lay any of his issues on them? He should be stronger than this, he told himself. At least Grace was safe away from here, one of his many fears had been Wo Fat would use her against him, and he could speak to her on the phone every so often. Finding out the baby wasn’t his had almost ripped his heart out from his chest, but he had thought he was getting over that. He was tired all of a sudden worrying about it; he knew they would think of him as a failure so he decided he wouldn’t mention it. And if they found out or questioned him on it, he would deal with it at the time, he always did.

 

Steve returned to the office with Lori in the middle of the afternoon and made his way directly to Danny’s office. He could see his friend was in and swamped by paperwork, and he smiled fondly at him. He walked in and sat down in the chair the other side of the desk to him, and stretched out his long legs in front of him. “Danno.” he greeted him, knowing full well his partner would not say anything until he did, even thought he knew he was there.

Sure enough the man in question looked up only when his name was mentioned. “Steven.” he replied with a smile as he checked him over. “No injuries? No fire fights?” He nodded towards the police scanner within arm’s reach of them. “I’ve not heard anything on that so I can tell you’ve not blown up the islands.”

Steve grinned a little wider, one of the ones that made Danny’s day. “Not yet.” he replied, amused. “But the day’s not over yet.”

Danny rolled his eyes and sighed theatrically. “So true.” he agreed. “Did you get any more intel?” he asked him, ready to get any diversion from the paperwork and his own thoughts.

Steve shook his head and his smile faded to a pout. “Weston didn’t let me throw the guy into the ocean.” he complained with a shrug. “It’s not my fault the guy can’t swim.”

Danny found himself actually laughing at his expression and words in real amusement, something he hadn’t had the urge to do in a couple of weeks. “I really want to pat you on the head right now and tell you everything will be fine.” he explained to him fondly.

Steve’s grin returned and he scooted forward, using the wheels on the chair to move next to his partner. He then surprised him by embracing Danny’s trim waist and pressing his forehead to his sternum. “Hold me!” he pleaded and grinned a little wider.

Danny laughed again and embraced him back, very pleased Steve was looking down so he didn’t see the wince of pain and slow movement of his arm. He hugged him tightly and laid his cheek on the crown of Steve’s head, smiling at him fondly. “Everything’ll be all right, Stevie.” he said to him, amused. “I’m sure she’ll be persuaded soon enough.”

“You would have let me throw him in the sea, wouldn’t you, Danno?” Steve asked, well, wailed would have been a better description.

Danny winced again in pain, because of that nickname now, but he didn’t let him go, any touch he could get from him now was a bonus. “I don’t know, Steve.” he replied, trying to keep his voice light. “Depends on how deep the water was.”

“Which is exactly what I said.” Steve agreed and raised his head again but didn’t move away. He studied his face for a few moments, taking in the pinched look in Danny’s cheeks, lines on his forehead that weren’t there before, dark circles under his eyes and didn’t like it very much. Words were never his friends though, he was a man of action, so he shifted the chair, and himself a little closer and pulled him close to his chest in a tight hug. “I need you with me, Danny.” he assured him quietly. “I hate that you’re feeling crappy and I can’t do anything about it.”

Danny was a bit surprised at his actions but he would take what he could get from him. He buried his face in Steve’s neck and hugged him back. “This works.” he assured him, and leant against him, borrowing some of his strength for a while. “Definitely works.”

 

Chin looked up to see Weston standing near him, frowning into Danny’s office. The look on her face was not negative, as such, but more surprised and uncertain. He followed her gaze to see Danny and Steve just letting each other go and sit close next to each other. They were smiling at each other, and as they watched Steve slipped an arm around Danny’s waist and pulled him closer, if possible.

Chin grinned and cleared his throat to divert the newcomer’s attention from the other two in what he hoped was going to be a tender moment. It looked like Steve was finally going to make his move, past time too, and the Lieutenant really didn’t think they wanted an audience.

Weston looked up at him and stepped over to where he was but the tech table, trying to shake off the image she had seen. Instead she smiled at him and they put their heads together to work on their latest case.

 

A couple of hours later Danny found himself on Steve’s lanai, beer in hand, doing something he hadn’t done for a while: just sitting, watching the ocean, Steve sitting beside him with a matching beer in his hand. The only difference than before were the chairs were closer together and Steve’s spare hand was on Danny’s, on the sailor’s thigh, their fingers interlocked. He was mellow enough to almost, almost forget his arm, the one holding the beer bottle, and he turned a little so he could see Steve’s face. His partner was looking out towards the ocean, his bare feet digging into the cool sand, his legs relaxed in front of him, slouched in the chair with a small smile teasing the corners of his mouth. He pressed the top of his bottle to his lips and drank some before he turned to face his companion. “Danny.” he said to him fondly. “Are you gonna tell me what happened while I was inside?” he asked him curiously. “You must have been busy.”

Danny snorted in derision. “Understatement, Babe.” he replied and forced his arm to move so he could drink some beer too.

Steve noticed he wasn’t moving it as well as normal and he frowned. “What’s wrong with your arm?” he asked him quickly, sitting up a bit. “Danny?”

The man in question stared at him for a few moments, thoughts running through his brain. What did he say? The truth? How would Steve take it? Probably not well, Danny thought quickly. And he couldn’t put his friend through it, Steve had a propensity to blame himself for everything and everyone, and he would take this on his shoulders too, whatever Danny said to him. Danny could see the slope of those shoulders now, they looked strong but he knew they could only take so much. So he shrugged and glanced down at the offending limb. “I think I pulled a muscle or something.” he replied as blithely as he could. “I think I slept on it too.” he added, mirroring what he had told Chin earlier, in case they conferred. “It’s fine, it’ll be okay in the morning.”

“I can rub it better for you.” Steve offered and wondered at the brief moment of panic that flashed through his partner’s eyes. But before he could question him on it Danny’s phone rang. It was a different ring tone than before, something he’d not heard assigned to anyone else. Then he listened to it and realised who it might be, and tried to pull his hand away from Danny’s. It was the “I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother” chorus that suggested it might be Rachel, and the first words out of Danny’s mouth when he answered it confirmed it.

“Rachel, are you all right?” Danny said quickly, his phone pressed to his ear. “How is Grace?” He had dropped his bottle and grabbed his phone with that hand so he could keep hold of Steve’s with the other one. He hadn’t told his partner everything that had occurred, he’d not had enough time, but he wasn’t going to lose their newfound closeness because of one phone call. So he squeezed his fingers around Steve’s and held on while he listened to his ex wife’s greetings. She assured him they were both fine, and paused a little in surprise at his next question. “And how’s Stan? He still with you?” He even sounded sincere!

Steve stared at his partner for a few moments in shock while he processed that little titbit. He knew Grace and Rachel had left for New Jersey when the shit had hit the fan, but Danny hadn’t wanted to talk about so he hadn’t pried. And now to find Stan was with them? He settled down to watch Danny’s reactions, hand still held tightly in his own, offering whatever comfort he could.

Danny noted when he stopped trying to pull away, but ended up frowning anyway. “Steve’s fine.” he answered when she asked. “Where are you?”

Then she hit him with a bombshell. “Danny, Stan and I have decided we want to try again, to spend some time alone with each other.” she explained. “We, including Grace, were wondering if you wouldn’t mind having sole custody of Grace for a while?”

Steve refused to grimace when Danny’s grip on his hand became painful.

“Of course I wouldn’t mind!” the blond said firmly down the phone. “When? How long for? Do I have to go anywhere to pick her up?”

The Commander’s brain was running possible scenarios though this mind at Danny’s side of the conversation that he could hear, and only one of them lead to his partner staying in Hawaii with him.

“Tomorrow?” Danny queried, eyes wide in shock as he stared at Steve. “What time?” A pause while he listened. “I’ll be there.” he agreed and smiled, wide and heartfelt. “Thanks, Rachel.” he said, something Steve hadn’t heard him say before. “Can I talk to her?” Another pause, and then: “Monkey!”

Steve could hear Grace’s shriek from there! Then he listened carefully to find out where he would lose his best friend to. “Uh huh.” Danny said. “Yes, I know.” and “Yes, Babe, it’s fantastic!” and he meant it too. Then with a shy smile at his partner Danny nodded. “Yes, Monkey, he’s here. Hang on.” Then he stretched the little he needed to hand the phone over to his SuperSEAL. “Someone wants to talk to you, Babe.” he told him fondly, and then settled back to listen.

Steve took the phone, pressed it to his own ear, and spoke. “Hello?”

“Uncle Steve!” Grace shouted at him. “Are you okay? Not grounded anymore?”

“I’m fine, Honey Bee.” he answered her with a smile. “Your Danno sorted it out for me. Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Fine.” she replied. “Better now. Isn’t it great, Uncle Steve? I’m coming back to Hawaii to live with my Danno again! Can we stay at your house though? I’ve got a lot of things and Mommy says it won’t all go in Danno’s apartment.”

He gaped in surprise for a moment before he grinned as widely as Danny. “Gracie, I would love it if you and Danno moved into my house with me.” he agreed easily. “You’re right, your things won’t all fit into his tiny apartment.” He grinned at Danno’s eye roll and squeezed his hand to comfort. “When are you coming home?”

“We’re at the airport in Newark now.” Grace replied, all excited and happy. “Step Stan says the flight will land home at 8am. Can you pick us up in your truck?”

He found himself nodding his agreement without thinking about it. “Yes, Honey, we’ll be there.” he told her firmly, something he was definitely going to make sure happened. “It’s not too late here so Danno and I can get some of your things from his apartment now.” he assured her, making Danny frown.

After a few more minutes of conversation, swapping the phone with each other, it was arranged. Grace had her Danno wrapped lightly around her finger and what she said, went. So the boys spent a pleasant, mostly until Steve found most of Danny’s stuff was stashed in boxes already, moving the pair of them over from that cupboard to the McGarrett house.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning – maybe triggering if you’re that way inclined, contains graphic description of methods of self harm

The next couple of days were a blur for Danny: receiving the call from Rachel asking him to have Grace all the time while she and Stan tried to sort things out, on Bora Bora, was the pinnacle. Like she needed to ask? And then Steve simply caving to one question from Grace and moving them both into his house that evening had been the icing on that pinnacle – yes Danno was mixing metaphors but he was so overwhelmed he didn’t care. He’d virtually forgotten about his arm, until meeting Grace, Rachel and Stan at the airport the next morning. He had hugged his daughter as if she was his lifeline which she was, and reluctantly handed her over to Uncle Steve when she had demanded it. Rachel pulled him away after a moment and looked pointedly at his rucked up sleeve. “I’m sorry, Danny.” she said sincerely to him and quickly pulled his sleeve down for him. “Are you all right? Really?”

Danny smiled at her and looked over at Grace in Steve’s strong arms, perched on his hip with her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. They were talking to each other, both sporting big grins, and he thought his heart would burst with love for them both. “Never better.” he replied and looked back at her again. “You don’t know what this means to me.” he commented. “Thank you isn’t enough.”

She laughed then and nodded. “Same to you.” she replied, and then looked at her husband, trying to be unobtrusive by the luggage.

Stan was looking at his feet, concentrating on a crack in the floor by his feet and Danny was too happy at the situation to be angry with him. Instead he walked over to him, deciding there and then to let his resentment of the man go. “Stan.” he greeted him and smiled a little when the man in question looked up. “Bora Bora, huh?”

Stan smiled and shrugged, looked embarrassed all of a sudden. “Yeah.” he answered him briefly. “We’ve never been and it sounds great, just the thing we need.”

Danny nodded and glanced back at Steve, seeing him tense some at his closeness to the man Danny had professed to hate on so many occasions. He smiled, nodded at him and turned back to the other guy. “I need to apologise to you, Stan.” he said, and amazed himself with it didn’t sound sarcastic. “I should have…”

Stan shook his head and cut him off. “I did the same to you, Danny.” he replied truthfully. “Even more so than you, you only slept with her once. I’m sorry too.” the guy told him firmly. “I don’t have any right to castigate you for something I did myself.”

“Thanks.” Danny replied, hoping he didn’t look shocked. “And thanks for bringing my daughter back to me.”

Stan looked over at the young lady in question and smiled fondly at her. “She has your stubbornness, Danny.” he told him unnecessarily. “It was her idea. I don’t know how long we’re going to be, at least a couple of months. When we get to the house I’ll leave you a key, if you need any other place to stay than your partner’s house.” He raised his hand to stop him from protesting. “It’s the least I can do.” he assured him. “It’ll also mean someone would be there, and Gracie likes it. But she likes the beach better.” he admitted and looked over at Steve again. “I hear you’ve been moved in?”

Danny laughed and nodded. “You could say that.” he agreed.

 

So now he stood, watching his beautiful daughter arrange her dolls and soft toys in her new room at Steve’s house, a key to Stan’s house hanging off the same key fob as his set to Ste… their house. And wondered when the other shoe was going to drop.

 

5-0

 

Steve was playing with Grace in the ocean behind their house when the other shoe did drop for Danny, but the detective wouldn’t know about it until later.

“Uncle Steve?” the little girl asked him as they gloated on their backs next to each other in the gently swells. “Why does Danno keep getting boo boos on his arms?”  
Steve frowned at her, glancing across quickly. She was in the same stance as he was, hands behind her head; feet stretched out in front of her, parallel to the shore a few metres away, Steve on the outside. “Why do you say that, Gracie?” he asked her, suddenly reminded of the scars he had seen and virtually forgotten about.

“I saw a bandage on his arm when he was doing the laundry this morning.” she explained to him. “And I’ve seen them before, on his arms.”

“Recently?” Steve asked her in sudden worry. He knew about Danny’s arm, but not that he had bandaged it, he had believed him when he had told him that he had simply pulled a muscle.

“Only two or three times since he came here.” she answered him. “But much more when we were still living in New Jersey. When Mommy let me stay with him there he always had a bad arm.” She sounded melancholy, worried about her father. “He tries to hide it from me, but I know my Danno and when he’s hurt.”

Steve would have to warn his partner of that, Danny always did try to hide any injuries from his daughter, and he didn’t want her to know how dangerous the job could be.  
But he could feel the slow burn of anger too, fizzing up in the back of his mind, increasing with every moment. Danny had lied to him, a couple of times in the last few days and he hated that. Why did his friend feel the need to lie to him? Was he worried about Steve’s reaction to his injury? And where had he been, or what had he done to injure his arm so it needed to be bandaged? “Which arm, Honey Bee?” he asked her, knowing the answer, he hoped.

“His left one.” Grace replied and lifted her head up so she could see him without getting a face full of sea water. “Didn’t you know?” she asked him, concerned.

“I did, yes.” he answered her, somewhat truthfully. “Don’t worry, Grace.” he tried to reassure her. “He’ll be fine. I’m going to look after him now.”

She smiled at him and relaxed back into the water. “We’re going to look after him you mean, Uncle Steve?” she corrected him firmly.

“Of course, Gracie.” he agreed with a fond smile. “We are.”

 

The SEAL waited until Grace was in bed and asleep before he confronted his partner about it. He was sitting on the sofa, waiting for him to come down from tucking her in and reading to her until she fell asleep, and he took a gulp of beer to fortify himself when he heard the detective walk back down the stairs. “Is she asleep?” Steve asked as Danny took a seat next to him. When he nodded Steve put the beer bottle down on the coffee table in front of him and turned so he was looking straight at him. “Show me your arm, Danny.” he ordered firmly, and watched his reactions carefully.

Danny froze in between leaning back and sitting straight up while thoughts ran through his mind. The uppermost one was “Shit, how am I going to get out of this?” I’m not, he admitted as he looked at the firm expression on Steve’s face. He was sporting his you’re-going-to-tell-me-if-I-have-to-pull-out-your-fingernails face, but maybe a gentler version, so Danny knew the game was up. “Why?” he asked to stall, because he could.

“Because I think you’re lying to me when you tell me you pulled a muscle.” Steve answered him. “Do I need to strip you?”

Danny glared at him and then forced himself to stand and walk away from him, just to get some space to breathe. He was suddenly scared, he finally had what he had wanted for some months now – Steve and Grace under the same roof for more than a couple of days and he had hoped for more from his partner. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen now, even as he walked away from him he could hear Steve stand and follow.

“Danny?” Steve questioned from right behind him, making him jump, startled, with his proximity. “Please. Show me.”

“Or what?” Danny asked him. “You’ll Vulcan Nerve Pinch me?”

Steve laughed quietly despite the situation and slipped his right arm around the smaller man’s waist, using it to pull him back against his chest. It had a dual purpose, he could reassure him by hugging him, and keep him in one place so he didn’t escape. “If I have to.” he replied and took hold of the hem of Danny’s left sleeve in his own hand. “Do I have to?”

Danny groaned and hung his head, covering his eyes with his right hand. He said nothing, and Steve took his uncharacteristic silence as acquiescence.

He pulled up the sleeve of Danny’s polo shirt and started at the dressings on his arm in horror. There were two, one each above and below his elbow joint, pads at least 10cm squared in the middle, both of which were stained with some sort of exudates. “Christ, Danny, what the hell?” he asked, his voice suddenly scared. And then angry. “Who did this to you? When? Have you had it checked out?”

Danny didn’t answer and Steve hugged him, hard against his chest. “Danny! Answer me!"

Danny felt wretched and he slumped against his partner, knowing full well he couldn’t get away from him. “You wouldn’t understand.” he replied grimly, certain of that fact. “I don’t want to tell you.”

He sounded upset enough to calm Steve down some and he rested his chin on the blond’s shoulder. “What happened, Danno?” he asked him after a few moments. “Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“Because I don’t want to lose you, Steve.” Danny replied after a pause. “And I will because of this.”

Steve frowned and manhandled him round in his arms so he could see his face. “You won’t lose me, Danno.” he assured him. “Just tell me, please.”

Danny sighed and stared at a spot on Steve’s chest. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?” he asked him, but he already knew the answer.

“Would you?” Steve countered, and waited for him to say something in reply.

Danny could see no other way out, and really, why should he hide anymore? Lying to his friends and family was hard, it took too much effort and he couldn’t, didn’t want to be that man anymore. “I did it.” he told him firmly after a few tense moments. “And before you say it, I’m not protecting anyone, I’m not in any sort of cult or club, and it’s not a tattoo.”

“Then what is it?” Steve asked him, frowning at the offending limb. “What do you mean, you did it yourself?” Then his paused for thought. “Is this how you got the other scars on your arms?”

Now Danny frowned at him and looked down at the arms in question. He tended to forget his old scars, especially when they were faded and covered with a dusting of hair, and he hadn’t expected Steve to notice them. But then again, this was SuperSEAL he was dealing with. “Yes.” he answered, and looked up again. “It’s a long story, and I’m not doing it standing up.” He tried to move away and over to a solo armchair, but Steve didn’t let him go. Instead the big man kept an arm around his waist and took them both back to the couch where he virtually sat on top of his partner to make sure he stayed there.

“We’re both off tomorrow.” Steve answered the glare he was given. “You normally don’t have a problem talking.”

Danny really wanted to snap at him for that one, but one look at Steve’s grim face stopped him. His friend, hell, his best friend and the person he loved almost as much as Grace deserved the truth. “I’ve been doing this, or cuts like it, for a long time.” he explained to him instead. “You may have noticed I have anger issues?” he asked with a wry smile.

Steve got his humour and huffed a laugh. “Really?” he asked dryly. “I’d never have guessed.”

Danny snorted in derision at that. “Anyway, I had no real way of dealing with it when I was growing up,” he continued after a few moments. “Being short, eleven and the oldest kid of four, along with a dog, some cats, a couple of reptiles and two working parents I didn’t have many ways to deal with it. I couldn’t very well take a razor to the face of the person that pissed me off, could I?” He looked Steve up and down and then shook his head. “Don’t answer that,” he added, amused. Which didn’t last long. “All I had was my Dad telling me to get over it because I had responsibilities.”

Steve didn’t really know much about Danny’s early life, just that he was the eldest child and he had a younger brother – Matty – who he’d met. And despised because of what he had done to his older brother when he was there, and what his continued absence was doing to him. “But what about your rants, Danny?” he asked him curiously. “You get so pissed, but always seem to shout it out.”

Danny shrugged. “You hide behind your Lieutenant Commander Navy SEAL persona, Steve.” he commented. “You close down, and I shout.”

Steve nodded as he thought about it. He knew the more angry, hurt and/or upset his partner was, the quieter he became, and recently, what with Rachel, Grace and his own troubles Danny had been silent. Which shoved another, horrifying thought smack dab into the middle of his brain. He sat up and grabbed him, virtually pulling his surprised partner into his lap and held him so tightly. “Danny.” he said quickly, his horrified expression the other man never wanted to see again. “Please, Danno. Please tell me I’ve never been the cause. That you’ve never … cut because of me.”

Danny shook his head and smiled at him. “Never.” he answered. “I can truthfully tell you Steve, I have not cut, or anything else, because of you. Something someone may have done to you may have contributed to a cut, but nothing you have done. Don’t worry about it.”

Steve shook his head. “Don’t worry?” he repeated, incredulously. “How can I not worry? You’ve almost ruined your whole arm, Danny. Tell me why.”

Danny looked up at him, his smile gone. “Steve.” he said firmly, and tried to move away from him but to no avail. His partner had his long arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and waist and was not going to let go any time soon. So he sighed and relaxed. “I was pissed off and scared, okay?” he explained. “Pissed off that Wo Fat had played us all and I walked straight into it, scared I’d never see my daughter again, scared you were gonna leave me here. And for being so fucking pathetic for feeling so scared.”

“You’re not pathetic, Danny.” Steve tried to reassure him. “Far from it. You’re allowed to be scared. Hell, I was.”

“Right.” Danny retorted darkly. “I believe that, not. You always manage to deal with all the crap that happens to you.” he explained after a few moments of thought. “After everything, you’re sitting here, telling me its okay. Which makes me feel even crappier because I resort to this with my stupid problems and you go all macho and blow things up. I am pathetic, Steve, whatever you try and tell me.”

Steve watched him as he tried to formulate a response. Danny needed him to be strong for him, but he was still shocked at the revelations he was hearing. In a back, traitorous part of his brain an agreement flashed through – yes, Danny hadn’t been through what he had. But he quashed it quickly with other truths – Danny had lost his family the same as Steve had, when his ex wife had moved his daughter here, and when Matthew had walked away. And the Commander himself had been trained to compartmentalise, put things in boxes and squirrel them away so he could get on with the job in hand.

It was difficult for him to understand though, however much he tried to rationalise. Danny was his rock; Steve relied on him to keep him steady and sane, which his partner excelled at. But at what price? And why hadn’t he trusted Steve enough to help him? Could he help him though, Steve worried to himself. He knew he was many things, but psychotherapy was not one of his talents, he had avoided them like the proverbial plague when he was in the Navy, and laughed at Danny’s offer to pay for therapy a few months ago. “Hang on.” he murmured, looking down at his friend, still tense in his arms. “You offered to pay for therapy for me, when you really should have been getting it yourself.” He was trying to get a smile from him, at least for Danny to relax in his arms, but that had obviously been the wrong thing to say.

Danny twisted in his arms and before Steve could catch him he was out of his grip, off the sofa and stalking away from him. “I don’t need therapy, Steven.” Danny snapped at him. “I tried it once and it made it worse. Don’t tell me what I do and don’t need to do, you have no idea.”

Steve leant forward and rested his elbows on his knees, holding his hands upwards in supplication, mainly to make himself less threatening. He really didn’t want Danny to run. “Then how do you hope to stop?” he asked him. “You can’t keep going on like this.”

Danny turned round to face him, angry again. “Like what, Steve?” he demanded, trying not to raise his voice for fear of waking Grace. “I was eleven when I first cut, more than twenty years ago. Why do you think I want to stop?”

“It’s self destructive, for a start.” he partner retorted. “What happens if you go too far? What about Grace? What about your job?” He stood quickly and stepped closer to him. “You must have realised someone would notice and call you on it?”

Danny barked a laugh but there was no humour in it at all. “I was worried.” he agreed. “But three or four times I’ve had wounds over the past year went unnoticed. And I declared it when I joined HPD. I wasn’t stupid enough to lie on a full disclosure vetting form.” He glared. “Don’t even mention Grace in this, either McGarrett. She has nothing to do with this.”

The main difference between them, Steve thought as he stalked over to his partner and loomed over him, was where Steve could hurt someone physically easily, Danny could do it with words. “I did notice.” he growled at him and used his greater mass to push his partner against the wall behind him. “Your daughter noticed too. What’s it gonna take for you to stop?”

Danny glared at him and placed his hands on Steve’s chest to try and shove him away. “I don’t know.” he snapped, and shoved, but it was half hearted and Steve stood his ground. “Not some shrink telling me to grow the fuck up. That’s what the last one said. I was too old to be doing this sort of thing, I wasn’t a teenage girl.” He took a breath and looked up at his partner, relaxing just a bit – he was not intimidated by the SEAL standing over him as others would be, he trusted him enough to know he wouldn’t hurt him. “Do you want us to move out?” he asked grimly, expecting an affirmative. “I’m sure I can find somewhere in a few days, even if it is at Stan’s.”

Steve took hold of both of his shoulders in his large hands and shook him gently. “Don’t be stupid, Danno.” he answered him, losing most of his anger. “What I want is for you to trust me.”

Danny surprised him by laughing quietly. “Steven.” he assured him, slipped his uninjured arm up to cup the nape of his partner’s neck in his hand. “I love you. I trust you with my daughter’s life, let alone my own. Trust isn’t the problem.”

Steve stared at him in shock for long moments. No-one had said anything like that to him in a long time, if ever, and the look in his partner’s eyes showed him how sincere he was. Words though, stupid words were his enemy, again, and he couldn’t formulate a decent reply. Instead he went with his forte – action and lowered his head until they were virtually touching. He knew Danny was a clever man so didn’t say anything before he gently pressed his lips to his partner’s in a light, gentle kiss.

As he had hoped Danny got with the program and responded, pulling him closer with the hand at the back of his neck and kissing back, opening his mouth to let him in. Once Steve had tasted him – hot, sweet and spicy – he knew he was never going to get enough, and if Danny pulled away now he didn’t know what he was going to do.

But Danny didn’t pull away, he stayed right there with him, tasting him as much as Steve was, using his free hand to slip down Steve’s back to caress his skin in between the top of his cargos and top. The Commander pushed a thigh in between Danny’s legs and let go of his shoulders to touch and explore. He ended up with his hands under Danny’s shirt, thumbs flicking his pert little nipples, large hands pressed against the soft skin of his chest, using his thigh to gently rub Danny’s groin. They broke off when they needed air, bit neither wanted to pull away too much, instead both preferred to pepper light kisses on the skin they could reach. “Are you ready now, Danno?” Steve asked him as he gently nuzzled his partner’s throat, over his jugular.

“Hell yes.” Danny replied and slipped his hand further down to caress his partner’s lovely backside for emphasis. But he froze as his fears raised their ugly heads again. “But do you want me, now, after this?” he asked, moving his arm so the dressings crinkled in Steve’s ear.

His partner laughed quietly in his ear and pressed his hips against him, showing him exactly how much he wanted him. “Don’t worry about that, Danno.” he assured him. “We’ll deal with that in the morning.”

A fleeting worry stormed through Danny’s mind – what did he mean ‘deal’? But Steve quickly returned to kissing and nibbling his neck, sucking a mark into the juncture of Danny’s throat and shoulder, which made that little worry dissipate like a fog in the sun before it could fester.

 

Danny liked what was going on, but Steve was so freaking tall he couldn’t get good angles to touch and explore as much as he wanted. So with some well-placed pushes and soft words he managed to get them both over to the couch, and then onto it, while Steve spent the time happily nibbling on the exposed skin of his throat. Danny had to pull away to get anything else from him, and the pout on his partner’s face made him grin. “What are you? A vampire SEAL?” he asked, fondly amused.

Steve grinned. “You taste good, Danno.” he replied, licking his lips. “I like it.”

Danny laughed quietly and pointed to the couch. “Lie down, you big goof.” he retorted. “I wanna taste you too.”

Steve was eager to comply but he didn’t let his partner go, and he pulled him on top of him as he stretched out on his couch. Danny yelped and went with him, moving only a little so he could align his hard cock with McGarrett’s. Steve, appreciative, lifted his hips up to thrust against him and grinned at the expression on his partner’s face. “You’re beautiful, Danny.” he murmured as he wrapped his long legs around his partner’s waist.

Danny laughed quietly and kissed his mouth. “You need to get your eyes tested, Babe.” he commented, but stopped any more additions from Steve by setting out to explore the vista laid out in front of him.

Soon both of their shirts were off and on the floor, Danny was making his way down Steve’s chest, kissing, licking and biting, egged on by the delicious taste of him and the gorgeous little noises, groans, moans and breathy “Danny”s he was emitting. Danny looked up when he reached Steve’s groin and grinned at him. “Is this okay, Babe?” he asked him, and palmed Steve’s hard cock, feeling the heat of his arousal though the material of his cargos.

Steve groaned and pushed back into his hand, needing the added friction. “Danny.” he growled. “I need …”

Danny laughed again and took pity on him. He quickly unzipped his fly, urged him up so he could pull the pants down, and licked his lips at the sight of Steve’s ruddy cock as it sprang up to meet him. “Hello there, little man.” he said to it and licked the beads of pre cum from the top. Steve groaned again and thrust his hips, and Danny opened his mouth and swallowed him down. Steve wanted to shout, but still had the brainpower to stop, because of Grace upstairs. Danny however, had hidden talents, he used his mouth to drive his partner crazy (in a different way than normal), licking him like a lollipop, sucking, nibbling, bobbing his head up and down, using one hand to caress Steve’s heavy balls and the other to stop him from thrusting too far into his mouth. Danny wasn’t opposed to deep throating but he liked to control it. Which he did, taking Steve’s cock completely, and revelling in the strangled moans coming from his partner. He glanced up to see him with a hand over his mouth, the other one clenched in Danny’s own hair, staring at his partner with round eyes, it was a good look on him. It was an even better look on him when Danny pulled orgasm out of him, moving back a bit so he didn’t choke on the long, sticky streams of cum Steve ejaculated into his mouth.

Danny sucked it all out of him, and only let him out of his mouth when Steve whimpered and relaxed. “You taste good, Babe.” he assured him, and moved up his body so he could look him in the eyes. He pulled Steve’s hands away from his mouth and kissed him, letting him taste himself in his mouth to show him. Steve licked into his mouth, moaning in his throat, and he wrapped his leaden arms around him and held him tightly. When they broke off he smiled up at him, all goofy and boneless, and moved a hand to cover Danny’s still hard cock. “Let me.” he murmured when his partner huffed at him. Steve had talents too, and he quickly used his hand to unzip Danny’s fly and extricate his cock from his own shorts. It didn’t take long, the Detective almost there anyway from Steve flooding his mouth, so a couple of pulls from him had him cumming in his hand. Steve caught as much of the musky fluid as he could while Danny buried his curse in his lover’s shoulder, and licked it off his fingers. “You taste good too, Danno.” he informed him, as Danny snuggled close against him. “Although you could do with eating more pineapple.”

 

Steve woke early the next morning and stretched languidly. After a short doze on the couch he had persuaded Danny that bed was a much better idea, and had ushered him up the stairs to his own room. Danny had quickly checked on Grace, making sure he was decent first of course, just in case, and then climbed into bed with his partner without a second thought.

Both had slept well – Steve was still spooned around his partner and neither had moved from when they had climbed in. He lay there for a while, holding Danny close to him with an arm around his waist, marvelling at the way his lover’s perfect form just seemed to slot in with Steve around him, but there was, in the background, a little curl of anxiety.

Danny had explained a few things last night, but not much, and the Commander knew he needed to do some research of his own. So he gently pulled away from him and slipped out of bed, pressing a light kiss on Danny’s temple when he snuffled a bit, but didn’t wake. “I’ll be back, Danno.” he murmured and tucked him in before he left the room, their bedroom now, grabbing a pair of shorts on the way. He slipped down the stairs silently, got his laptop from the safe he’d had installed and put on the shorts before wandering out to the lanai with a bottle of water from the fridge. His Wi-Fi did stretch this far and he opened up the Mac, fired it up and went looking for some information on self-harm.

 

5-0

 

When Danny woke later to find himself alone in Steve’s bed he wasn’t surprised, just a little disappointed. His partner had his habits though, and Danny was simply grateful he hadn’t been shoved out of the door last night to make any amount of fuss over it. Instead he stretched and luxuriated in the lovely bed he was in before caving to the inevitable and got up, padding into the ensuite as if he owned the place. He quickly showered, and realised he was going to have to go and get some more supplies to keep his arm clean, and that meant mentioning it again to his SEAL. He didn’t, ever, want to be the cause of any upset to the man, he was stupidly in love with him after all, and in the cold light of day Steve might realise he wasn’t good enough for him and ditch him. Danny knew if that happened the wound on his arm would look like a simple scratch in comparison.

But he didn’t want to think about it, so he avoided getting the dressings wet and quickly washed his hair, the rest of him, cleaned his teeth and dried himself off. He dressed and checked Gracie’s room, surprised she wasn’t there, and walked quickly down the stairs.

He found his missing loved ones out on the lanai, eating breakfast together, and they both looked up at him when he arrived.

Steve, still only in his shorts, grinned up at him. “Morning, Danno.” he greeted him. “How’d you sleep?” He reached out a hand for one of Danny’s and was gratified when his partner took it and interlocked their fingers.

“Good thanks.” Danny replied, and studied him for a moment. It was still early and he had expected his partner’s hair to be damp still. “Not been swimming yet?” he asked.

Steve shook his head. “Not yet.” he answered truthfully. “Had some research to do.” he added meaningfully, glancing at Danny’s covered arms. “And Honey Bee wasn’t awake then so I thought I’d wait til she was ready.” he added with a grin at their companion.

“Is that so?” Danny asked him, well used to hiding his worries from his daughter by now. He smiled at Grace who was sitting in a chair next to Steve, and noted she had already put on a swimming costume under a tee shirt. She grinned back and nodded.

“But we can’t go for at least an hour, Danno.” she told him firmly, and showed him her half eaten toast. “We’ll have to do something else first.”

That ended up with Danny and Grace making sand castles on the beach while Steve watched and added his opinion on design, structure and manufacture every so often. He had gone on a few websites; most of the information had been centred on children and young adults self-harming for a variety of reasons, using a vast range of methods. His first worry had been quashed though, that Danny’s scars were a result of failed suicide attempts. He had found out that people used it to stop themselves from committing suicide, and he would have to get that information from his partner. His controlling nature was making him plan and plot to find Danny’s tools and get rid of them, and do what he could to stop him from doing it again. But Danny was stubborn and strong-willed, part of his problem, part of his reasons not wanting professional help, and he would hate it if, WHEN Steve stepped in.

He’d found a huge list of reasons why people self-harmed, and he had a bad feeling that Danny hadn’t told him most of his reasons, he’d just given him something his partner wanted to hear. Yes, Danny did have anger problems, Steve knew that, but he also knew he vented by shouting, running, doing his job and talking about it to Chin mostly, as well as himself. So there must be another reason for so many scars, and such a large wound on his arm. Sadness and grief Steve could understand, Danny had thought he had lost his daughter, and he was probably scared too. But why he might be feeling guilty or loathe himself Steve didn’t understand. Why would he? Danny was a great father, even now he was helping his adorable daughter make a tower for their castle, and the Commander had seen so much more evidence of that in the time he’d known him. He was a great cop too, Steve’s continued freedom and existence attained to that, as well as the large number of cases solved by 5-0 because of his talents. And he was gorgeous, slim, perfectly formed from his blond hair to his sexy feet.

From what he had found out Steve was worried about what had happened to his lover when he was a kid to spark this self destructive streak off. Some of the stories he’d read on forums this morning had been horrifying to read, even more so to think his partner had gone through it. Danny had seemed sincere when he had explained about his early life, that he’d had to look after his siblings rather than live his own life. But then Steve realised, as he thought about his own childhood – looking after Mary had been a chore for him, looking after however many kids Danny had had to would have been a nightmare.

Steve also realised, however much he wanted it, he couldn’t just ask, order or demand Danny stop. That wasn’t going to happen, and he would probably make things worse if he tried. Now Danny was here, living in his house, Steve could watch over him a bit more, not stalk him or control him (that would be like trying to control the waves outside!) but maybe able to spot any triggers quicker.

First things first, he thought to himself, he’d need to sit his partner down somewhere and try to get more information out of him, and check over his arm himself. If Danny didn’t want any medical help for it, which the Commander could understand, then he was going to make damn sure he was going to keep it clean and dressed himself.

He also needed to make sure Danny knew how much he cared about him, how important he was in his life, and how much Steve needed him. That meant the SEAL would have to work on his own problems with words, his own reticence with speaking about his feelings too. DADT had been completely repealed now, but it had been ingrained in his psyche from all the years he’d been in the Navy, as well as his father’s own opinions about sharing anything he felt. He had never backed down from a challenge before and he wasn’t going to start now. He needed Danny in his life, his lover had given him a family he never thought he would have and the least Steve could do in response to that was open up and show him, tell him just how much he loved him. So he stood and walked out to the beach where the not-so-mini construction site was and knelt in the sand next to his partner, making them both look up at him. “Gracie.” he said seriously to the clever young girl in front of him. “I know you love Danno very much,” he stated. “But is it okay that I love him too?”

He could feel Danny tense up beside him, could understand the reason too – he had, most likely, just outed them to Grace after all, but he needed to make it known to them both that he didn’t want to hide from her.

Grace grinned at him and nodded. “Does that make you my StepSteve now?” she asked him, her whole face bubbling over with joy.

Steve grinned back. “We’ll have to ask Danno about that.” he told her and looked at the man in question.

Danny looked astounded – hell, he was astounded! After one night of fooling around Steve had told Grace, and she was not going to let it go now either. And, AND he was not arguing about the StepSteve thing which Danny had thought he might. “Steve.” he said to him, leaning closer for emphasis. “This is not a whim, you know. You can’t just decide you want this now, and next week change your mind. And,” he added, looking over at Grace who was watching them intently. “I would much rather have this conversation on our own.”

Steve smiled at him and slipped an arm around his waist to hug him. “I love you, Danno.” he assured him, finding it was easier the more times he said it. “That isn’t going to change any time soon. I love Gracie too, and I would be honoured to be her StepSteve. And whatever you want to call me too.”

Danny smiled impishly and glanced at Grace, giving her a wink that made her giggle. “What about Sugarplum?” he asked, amused. “Or Bluebell?”

“Only if I get to call you Daisy,” the SEAL retorted, making Grace laugh out loud.

Danno spluttered indignantly and waved an arm around, but only for effect. His daughter was laughing, the sound drifting over him like fairy dust, Steve was grinning that wide, goofy grin of his that always warmed Danny to the core, and all was right with the world.

 

5-0

 

“You know, whatever it is that made you do this,” Steve said carefully as he gently cleaned Danny’s wound later in the afternoon. “It’s not true.”

Danny looked up at him in surprise. It had been, and still was, embarrassing, as well as humiliating and a whole lot of other negative emotions he couldn’t name to let Steve actually see the extent of his weakness. But the SEAL had insisted, so here they were, in the master bathroom upstairs while Grace was tucked up on the couch downstairs in a book. “What? How? I mean … Steve?” Danny asked him, virtually speechless. He had known he hadn’t explained himself very well the previous evening but it was so difficult for him to put into words why he felt the need to take a blade to his own skin. And he was very well aware of the irony.

“I did some research this morning before you and Grace were up.” Steve explained with a slight smile as he gently used an antiseptic wipe over the lower patch.

Danny’s hiss of pain, because however gentle his partner was it still stung like a bitch, turned into a laugh at that. “Of course you did.” he commented fondly.

Steve smiled a little wider and glanced up at him. “Well I was in Naval Intelligence, Danno.” he reminded him archly. “Anyway.” he added firmly as he saw the sarcastic comment his partner had ready for that one light up his eyes. “I read that most harmers suffered some sort of trauma or emotional problem in childhood and didn’t learn how to deal with emotions.” he added as he reached for a dressing. “I know you said about responsibilities, but were there other things too?” he asked, looking up at him. He was worried about the answer; he already had a mental hit list going for people who had hurt his lover, with Matthew and Wo Fat vying for top slot. “Some of the stories I read that had happened to people when they were kids…” He shook his head and closed his eyes – yes he had lost his own family at an early age but the tales of kid sisters being used by their older brothers and their friends for sex, parents beating their kids, others being neglecting by their drug-addicted carers, bullied by all and sundry for being different, tortured in many other ways, had scared him. The psychological trauma was worse, and some of the stuff the adults he’d read about had suffered made him shudder.

Danny noticed and quickly laid a hand on his thigh to get his attention. “Nothing like that, Babe.” he assured him. “I just… mine was…” Speechless again? He sighed. “Every time the kids did something wrong I got the blame and the punishment for it,” he explained after a few moments’ thought. “Because I should have been able to stop them, or teach them about wrong and right.” He squeezed Steve’s thigh and looked away, not wanting to see the look on his face. “Every time they played up I got the ‘responsibilities’ speech, and that I just wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t what they wanted in an eldest son. If I said anything about it I’d get a slap and told that they both worked hard to put food in front of me, a roof over my head and an education.” He winced as he remembered – the sharp pain of his father’s had across his face, the look of disappointment on his mother’s face as she held a broken toy in her hands, something one of the young girls had snapped in a fight when Danny was trying to get them bathed. “When I told them no-one else I knew had to do what I did, they told me I should be grateful they were trusting me, but I was never going to be good enough.”

Steve, sitting on the closed head lid, grabbed his partner from the edge of the tub where he was perched and pulled him across the small gap to his lap. “They were wrong, Danny,” he told him, holding him close. “You are so much better than anyone else, so much. Anyone who thinks otherwise is crazy.”

Danny straddled Steve’s thighs, slipped his own arms around his neck and smiled sadly down at him. “No, Babe.” he disagreed. “If I was that good I could have kept you out of prison, and Kono out of trouble.” He cut off Steve’s protest with a kiss, taking the words out of his partner’s mouth.

But they had to come up for air eventually, and Steve took advantage of that. “Not your fault.” he told him firmly, even though Danny had had to tell him the same thing recently. “Don’t argue, just take it as truth. And let me finish up with your arm, Gracie’ll come looking for us soon.”

Danny smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. “If you’re going to sic my daughter onto me whenever I want to argue with you, then this is going to be a very boring relationship.” he commented dryly.

Steve grinned in reply. “Just wait until she’s asleep and I’ll show you how ‘interesting’ I can be.” he retorted.

Danny laughed and moved off him back to the edge of the bathtub so they could finish. “Smooth, you Dog.” he said to him with a grin. “Very smooth.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning – maybe triggering if you’re that way inclined, contains graphic description of methods of self harm

Danny’s arm healed slowly under Steve’s gentle effective ministrations and life went on. Steve was indeed very interesting in bed, and he taught his lover many things, including his talent for keeping quiet, just in case they wake Grace. Being loud before DADT had become history had taught him well.

Grace settled in straight away and the boys quickly fell into a routine to look after her, getting her too and from school, arranging sleepovers, friends coming round for parties on the beach, going to progress checks at school etc. They made sure that one of them was with her during the weekends at least, or, if work was too crazy, she was safe and entertained with one of her friends’ parents (properly vetted of course), Kamekona or at HQ for an hour or two, or Malia or select members of the Kelly-Kalakaua clan. Even Kawika was pleased to look after her for an afternoon if required.

Kono was also pleased to continue surfing lessons for both Williams – she, with their help, finished off the work she had been doing for IAD, and was welcomed back into 5-0 with open arms, even though she was always a member of the family.

Danny hadn’t even looked for his jar of razors and other blades since he and Grace had moved in, he’d had no reason too.

Until Rachel and Stan returned to Hawaii.

Danny took the call while he was driving them back to HQ, saw it was Rachel calling on his phone and pulled over to the side of the road. Steve frowned at him but didn’t say anything, simply sat back as his partner answered his phone. “Rachel.” Danny said with a smile, but reached for Steve’s hand anyway. Rachel had called a few times before, but this was not in her usual schedule. “Are you all right?”

Steve perked up to listen and quickly took Danny’s hand in his. Déjà vu was running though his mind, although the last time he had listened to half a conversation they were on his lanai.

“Fine, Danny.” she replied, her smile obvious in her voice. “Are you? How’s Grace? And Steve?”

“We’re all fine.” he answered her. He had been honest with her when she’d called before and explained his new relationship and living arrangements; she hadn’t been surprised or unhappy. “Stan? Your bump?”

He didn’t sound upset about that when he asked her, and Rachel was hoping that meant he forgave her or he’d come a long way at least. “Fine.” she answered him, and then bit her lip. “We’re coming home next week,” she explained. “We’ll need to talk about custody.”

He was silent for a long moment, enough for her to call to him again. “Danny?”

“Grace is happy with us, Rachel.” he said firmly, and turned and stared at his partner in sudden fear. “I’m not going to give her up just because you want. You can’t play us around like this any more.”

“I know, Danny.” Rachel replied, keeping her temper easily. She and Stan had discussed this before she had made the call. “I’m not going to do that to you, to any of you. I don’t want Grace to think we’ve given her up for the new baby, but I don’t want her feeling jealous because we’re taking more interest in it either.”  
“What do you want, Rachel?” he asked her tiredly. “What are you telling me?”

“I’m saying you, Grace and Steve need to discuss this before we get back, Danny,” she said to him firmly. “Then you, Steve, Stan and myself need to thrash out a custody arrangement that suits everyone.”

Danny really wanted to retort in a way he used to, a couple of years ago, but he really, really wanted to. Instead he took a breath and tried to keep calm. “I am not going to let you take my child away just because you want her back now,” he said firmly, like granite. “Call me when you get back from your lovely vacation,” he told her, and hung up.

Steve reached out to him with his free hand and cupped his face. “When?” he asked him. He’d been listening and figured out what they were talking about and was worried about it – Grace was his daughter too.

“Next week.” Danny told him and leant into his touch. “She wants us to ‘talk about custody’,” he told him darkly. “She thinks the three of us should discuss it this week to come up with an arrangement that ‘suits’ everyone.” His tone on the last two words told him exactly how he felt about that.

“She means what suits her,” the Commander mused darkly, and let his face go a moment so he could hug him close. “I won’t let that happen, Danny.” he assured him. “I won’t let her take our daughter from us.” He pressed a kiss to his lover’s temple and plotted his next moves.

 

5-0

 

It was a difficult week; Danny was subdued and spent as much time as he could with Gracie. It only took her a couple of days to figure out something was up, and her father had taught her never to be worried about asking difficult questions. “What’s wrong, Danno?” she asked him one evening when the three of them were snuggled together on the couch. “Why are you upset?”

Danny, back against the couch, face and most of him resting against Steve, who also had Gracie curled up on his chest, stirred a little and moved just enough to kiss her cheek. “Your Mom called on Monday,” he explained to her quietly. He and Steve had talked about this, both realising quickly their nine year old needed to know what was going on. “She and StepStan are coming home next week.”

Steve squeezed the arm he held around Danny, holding close to him, and waited for a response.

They were both expecting a squeal of delight when Grace heard that but it wasn’t forthcoming. Instead she nodded thoughtfully. “I suppose she wants me back,” she said in an odd tone.

Steve lifted his head and studied her for a moment. “Do you want to go and live with them, Honey Bee?” he asked her, and hugged Danny tighter.

She took a while to answer, and while she did Danny buried his face in Steve’s chest and tried not to cry.

“No.” Grace replied, and Danny quickly looked up again and kissed her cheek.

“Are you sure, Monkey?” he asked her quickly. “Who do you want to live with?”

“You and StepSteve.” she replied in a tone that said ‘idiot’ without actually saying it. She smiled and stretched her arms out to hug them both. “I’ve lived with them, and now it’s time to live with you two.” And that was that, she would not be swayed and neither of them tried very hard to persuade her.

 

5-0

 

Rachel called again to explain when they were going to land and that she hoped Grace would be all packed and ready to come home with them then and there. She was not expecting Danny’s simple: “No, she won’t,” and the dial tone. With a frown she called him again, only to find he had turned off his phone. Commander McGarrett wasn’t much more help, he had listened when she had called him, and she could hear her ex-husband ranting in the background. “Rachel, no.” Steve told her firmly as he watched Danny pace up and down in Steve’s office at HQ. “You can’t run away for four months and then expect everyone to run their lives around you when you decide to come back.” He had his eyes on Danny, who hadn’t stopped ranting about the first phone call, pacing the office, arms in the air, and Steve was pleased to see it – he really hated it when Danny was silent. “Grace was very forceful in her wish to stay with us. If you have a problem with that, then you need to speak to our lawyer.” With that he hung up too and looked up when Danny’s grumblings ceased. “What?” he asked him when he saw Danny walk over to him.

“Lawyer?” the Detective asked him, frowning. “I can’t afford a lawyer. I ditched the one in New Jersey because he was expensive crap.”

Steve smiled at him. “My Dad had a lawyer friend of his that did everything for him, when he needed It.” he explained. “She never charged him full price. She’s not charged me full price either. She’ll help, she’s already champing at the bit to get her teeth into this.”

Danny slumped on the desk in front of his lover’s chair and held his head in his hands. “Why does Rachel think she can just do this?” he asked after a few moments, his voice quiet and his upset obvious. “After four months?”

Steve stood and embraced him tightly. “She can’t,” he assured him, and pressed a kiss to his temple. “I won’t let her. You’re not alone in this any more, Danno,” he murmured, and kissed him again.

Danny slipped his arms around him too and buried his face in his lover’s throat. He was tense and upset, and was suddenly thinking about his blades again.   
He knew where they were, he had hidden his jar when they had first moved in, knowing that Steve, when helping him unpack, was looking for them to get rid of them. Danny needed them though, even if he had urges again, which he had, just knowing where they were and that he had the option to use them again made him able to fight and not cut. But this? He knew as he stood in Steve’s office, in his lover’s arms, that just knowing where they were was not going to be enough. The metal was singing to him, as loud as his own conscience was shouting back that Steve wouldn’t forgive him easily if he gave in, and he’d never felt so … scared of loss as he did right now.

Steve was there though, holding him close, and he seemed to know what his lover was feeling. “It’ll be okay, Love,” he said in his ear. “Grace knows what she wants, OUR lawyer says we have the upper hand now. We can sort it out, you, Grace and me.”

Danny knew what he was trying to do and it was helping, somewhat. A united front and all that was what had lost him the fight last time – Rachel, Stan and their really expensive lawyer had closed ranks on him. Now Steve was doing the same, but for him, and Danny took a breath and strengthened his backbone. “Okay.” he said eventually. “Let me speak to our lawyer, Babe, and we’ll sort this.”

Steve smiled at him and kissed him again. This was more like his Danny, preparing for battle rather than hiding behind his rants. “Yes, we will,” he reassured him, and kissed his temple again.

 

5-0

 

It took a couple of weeks after Rachel and Stan returned to Hawaii for them to sort everything out, and all the while Steve kept an eye out for his partner. Danny was his usual self at work, ranting at him for putting himself in danger, commiserating with Lori about Steve’s lack of procedure, teasing Chin by putting full cups of coffee on or near as much of the technology as possible, and bringing Kono little gifts, almost daily, just to see her smile.

He was also trying to keep it up at home as well, making sure Grace was happy and content, and not privy to just how worried her father was.

Steve wasn’t fooled though; he made sure he did all he could to let him know how much he loved Danny, both in bed and out, and surreptitiously checking him over for any more fresh wounds. The evening before the final meeting with the lawyers in the morning, the one before they had to resort to judges, Steve returned from a meeting with the Governor to find Chin in the kitchen with Grace, helping her with some homework. He smiled as Steve walked in and kissed his stepdaughter on the top of her head, and nodded at his friend as he shucked his jacket. “Is Uncle Chin helping, Gracie?” he asked her, amused as he put his gun and ID in the safe and kicked off his sneakers.

Grace nodded and smiled up at him. “He’s teaching me how to download music,” she explained.

Steve lifted an eyebrow. “Really?” he asked archly. “Hopefully not the expensive stuff.”

Chin shook his head. “We know better than that, Steve.” he commented. “Don’t we?” he asked his surrogate niece.

She nodded. “Don’t worry, StepSteve,” she reassured him. “Danno hasn’t given us his password.”

“Okay.” the SEAL replied, still not particularly assured. “Where is Danno?” he asked, looking around.

“Upstairs.” Chin answered him, and gave him a meaningful look.

So much so Steve nodded and quickly left them, taking the stairs two at a time. He found his partner in their ensuite bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet and storing at a silver jar he’d put in the sink. It was quite a large storage jar, the type his aunt on the mainland used to store sugar and teabags. He’s seen it before, but not gone into it, Danny had seemed to want to keep it private.

The detective jumped, startled, when he felt Steve’s arm snake around his shoulders, and he looked up at him and smiled slightly. “Babe.” he greeted him. “How did your meeting go?”

Steve shrugged. “Denning’s an ass.” he replied easily. “He wants us to have 100% closure rate for no percent funding. I persuaded him that’s not possible.”  
Danny nodded and turned back to his jar. “Good.” he replied, knowing he had to say something.

“What’s in the jar?” Steve asked him after a few moments.

Danny sighed and leant against him. “It’s my cutting stuff,” he explained after a painful stretch of silence. He trusted Steve implicitly now, the Commander knew most, if not all of his secrets and he felt secure in telling him the truth. “I just…” he tried to explain. “I need…”

Steve wanted to grab the jar and throw it and it’s contents into the sea, but Danny needed more than his anger. “I wondered where they were.” he commented instead. “Can I have a look?”

“If you want.” Danny agreed and watched him as Steve closed his big hand around the jar and lifted it out of the sink. He unlatched the top and looked in, moving the contents around with a finger so he could see. The jar was quite large, enough to hold maybe twelve to sixteen double-bladed disposable razors, all with the blades covered in plastic caps. There was also a six inch long craft knife in there, with a smaller plastic box filled with refill blades in it. There wasn’t any dressings or first aid stuff in it; this was just where Danny kept the tools of his habit. None of the items were expensive, nothing in it that wasn’t easily replaceable and Steve frowned. He had thought Danny had some ‘equipment’ that he kept reusing, like Steve had his knives, Chin his shotgun or Kono her sniper rifle.

“Have you used these yet?” he asked his partner grimly, looking down at him.

Danny was watching him, still leaning against him, trusting him with his stuff. “No.” he answered him truthfully. “I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Steve bent down and pressed a kiss to his lover’s forehead, then his nose, then his mouth. He knew this was the main problem Danny had, he felt so little of himself he thought sharing any pain he was feeling was a disappointment, and trivial compared to what he thought everyone else had, or was, going through. “You’ve never disappointed me, Danny,” he told him firmly. “You never will either. I’m always worried it’s the other way round.”

Danny shook his head. “Never, Steve.” he reassured him. “I may be a little verbose about you sometimes, about your craziness at work, about how you think procedure is just to keep text book authors employed,” he explained. “But you’ve never disappointed me.”

“Verbose?” Steve repeated, amused. “Danny? Verbose? Really?”

“What?” his partner asked him, shrugging one shoulder. “It’s a word.”

Steve laughed and pulled him up to stand with his free arm, and held onto the jar with his other hand. He pulled his partner out of the bathroom and into their bedroom, and managed to place the jar on top of the wardrobe as they walked passed, out of Danny’s reach. To keep Danny’s attention away from that he embraced him with both arms and covered his mouth with his in a deep kiss. When they broke off he pressed his forehead against Danny’s and breathed him in. “Chin is with Gracie.” he murmured to him, using a hand to gently rub his partner’s back through his shirt. “When we get full custody tomorrow,” he added with a smile. “We may not have a chance for a couple of days.”

Danny grinned and slipped his hand down the back of his lover’s pants. “Are you propositioning me, Commander?” he asked him, amused. “In your usual smooth style?”

“Is it working?” Steve asked him, rubbing his groin against Danny’s suggestively.

Danny laughed in reply and pushed him backwards towards their bed. “Distract me, Babe,” he suggested, and pushed him backwards onto the bed.

Steve laughed too and pulled him with him onto his lap. “With pleasure.” he answered him, and kissed him. And again, and some more. He stretched out and laid down, bringing Danny with him, and quickly showed off his SEAL skills by flipping him over onto back. He covered Danny with his own body and explored his mouth with his tongue while he slipped his hand under Danny’s top and explored his soft skin. While he was engaged, Danny used his own hands to touch and explore, and soon they were divesting each other of their clothes. Danny quickly glanced at the bedroom door while Steve bit and sucked a mark on his neck, just to make sure it was shut (Grace knew better than to walk in when the door was shut), and then decided to take charge himself. Steve oofed in surprise as his partner carried out a ninja move of his own and ended up on his back with Danny on top, straddling his waist. The blond grinned down at him and quickly tweaked his Commander’s nipples and dragged his fingers lightly down his firm abs. “We’ve got to be quick.” he told him, grinning down at Steve’s kiss-swollen lips.

“You wanna ride?” Steve asked him, his voice a growl of lust, his cock burning against Danny’s thigh.

Danny grinned, lightly teased said cock with his fingers, and nodded. “Hi ho, Silver,” he commented, and Steve paused in his search for lube in the nearby nightstand to laugh and shake his head. “Not so smooth, Danny.” he snorted.

“Yeah, yeah.” his lover replied and squeezed his captured cock gently again. “Stop complaining and hurry up.” he retorted. Then he yelped when his partner virtually kicked him off and captured his waist in a tight grip. “Gotcha.” he murmured in his ear, and gently tickled Danny’s sensitive waist. He made him laugh until he was breathless, and then made him gasp quietly by slipping one of his lubed fingers into Danny’s tight little hole. “I love you, Babe.” he murmured in Danny’s ear, and slipped another finger in. Danny moaned quietly and flopped onto his stomach making his lover follow. “Fuck me, Babe.” he replied and spread his legs. “I’m ready, Steve. Hurry.”

Steve took his time readying him, distracting him by kissing and nibbling the nape of his neck. “It’s okay, Love.” he assured him. “Just relax. I’ve got you.” Steve didn’t want to rush; he didn’t want to hurt him, although he really, really loved being balls deep in his partner. But he kept his control and used three fingers to ready his partner, massaging lube deep within him, flicking his prostate while he did it. Danny moaned his name and Steve had to stop moving just in case he came from that noise alone. Instead he pulled his fingers out and quickly lubed his hard cock. He lined up with Danny’s sweet little sphincter; it was blinking in need, and pushed in.

Danny hissed at the pressure but relaxed and wrapped his arms around a pillow, and revelled in it as his lover slowly filled him. Steve was always so slow and careful, sometimes too slow, and Danny lifted his hips the little he was able to urge in him, deeper, quicker. “Come on, Babe.” he persuaded him. “I’m not gonna break.”

Steve, hands clutching Danny’s hips tight, face buried in his soft golden hair, bit his lip and pushed in as hard as he dared with a grunt. “Danny,” he breathed and closed his teeth on the skin on his shoulder, making another mark as he paused for a moment.

Danny didn’t want him to pause so he squeezed his muscles around the thick hard shaft buried deep within him. “Move, Babe.” he urged him, and pushed back against him.

Steve couldn’t deny him anything and he did as he was told, pulling back to thrust deeply inside him again. “Gods, Danny,” he whispered in his ear. “So tight.”

Danny moaned in reply and squeezed around him as much as he could. Steve was larger than he was, there wasn’t much else he could do with the big guy plastered against his back, but, as Steve changed his angle a bit and battered his prostate with the head of his cock, he couldn’t find it in himself to complain. Instead, knowing he wasn’t going to last much longer, he moaned Steve’s name and moved one of his own hands to his cock, jerking himself off as Steve lost his control and thrust hard and deep inside him, once, twice, three times and then he was coming, ejaculating long streams of cum deep within his lover, a soft cry of completion buried in Danny’s hair.

Danny felt the heat flood into him and it pushed him over the edge into his own orgasm. His shout was muffled in his pillow as he ejaculated into his hand.

Steve took a few deep breaths before he rolled back onto his side, still buried deep in Danny, and held him tightly close against him with one arm. With the other he captured Danny’s hand pulled it to his mouth and gently licked it clean. “Love you, Danny,” he murmured in his partner’s blissed out ear when he had savoured the feast.

Danny smiled and covered Steve’s hand on his belly with his own, interlocking their fingers. “Love you too, Babe.” Thoroughly distracted he closed his eyes and settled close to his lover, falling easily into an easy doze.

Steve smiled to himself and pulled a sheet over them with his free hand and relaxed, closing his eyes to doze as well.

 

5-0

 

Danny woke to find himself alone in the bed, and he blinked a few times to see his lover standing nearby, the jar in one hand, a trash bag in the other. He was just about to tip the stuff into the bag, and that was just…no. “Stop!” Danny snapped and sat up quickly. “What are you doing?”

Steve had the grace to look startled when he looked up at Danny, and then a bit sheepish, not a bad look really, especially since he was still naked. “I… er… was cleaning house?” the Commander answered him, looking back down at the contents of his hands. “I didn’t want them around.”

Danny huffed and got out of bed, throwing the covers off him in a mood. “Well I do, Babe.” he retorted, annoyed, and stalked over to him. He held out his hand for the jar, and waited, but Steve stubbornly held onto the contents of both of his hands. Danny huffed again and made a grab for the jar but feinted for the bag at the last moment, knowing his partner would yank the jar out of his reach. Which he did, but Steve’s smirk of triumph faded when he felt the bag ripped out of his grip instead.

“I thought…” the SEAL retorted, and held the offending jar close against his chest with both hands as he watched Danny quickly rip the trash bag up with his own angry ones. “You maybe wouldn’t need these any more.”

He sounded so uncertain, and Danny hated that from him, but he was pissed at his assumption. “Just because you said so?” he asked him, disbelief in his tone. “Steve, you’re epic at most things, but even you can’t stop something I’ve been doing for two thirds of my life because you said so.”

“Why not?” Steve demanded, his uncertainty gone, replaced with annoyance. “Why not, Danny? Why do you still feel the need to cut? I’m here for you, I love you, Grace is with us, and our team is back on track. Why is that not enough?”

Danny sighed, trying to keep calm, but then … fuck it. “That is so much more than enough for me, Steven!” he snapped at him, and made another grab for the jar. “But you don’t know what’s round the corner, you can’t know. You don’t know another Nick Taylor isn’t going to try and kill you, you don’t know the volcano isn’t going to blow the islands in half, you don’t know that we’re going to keep Gracie tomorrow. I need to have those here, just in case.”

Steve frowned, aneurism face again, something that Danny had promised himself not to allow in their bedroom. “We’ll fight, together.” he tried to assure him. “And ‘just in case’ isn’t something I’ve ever worked with before, Danno, I’m not going to start now.”

Danny shook his head. “You don’t get it.” he retorted and looked away from him, anywhere that wasn’t part of his lover’s long body in front of him. Steve was silent, as was usual when he didn’t know what to say, and Danny took advantage of that. “I don’t …” he began but shook his head again. “I’m not saying anything like that is going to happen.” he told him and reached out a hand to lie on Steve’s nearest hip. “I need to know I’ve got them, so I won’t have to use them.”

Steve’s frown deepened. “You’re throwing words together again.” he replied grimly. “What do you mean?”

Danny huffed and ran his hand through his hair, using the moment to think about it. He knew why he needed the blades in reach; it was just very difficult explaining it to anyone else. “Why do you have guns, ammo, grenades and gasoline stashed all around this house and grounds, Steve?” he asked him bluntly after a pause. “Why? I know I asked you to get rid of some of them, but you didn’t. Why do you have them?”

“What’s that got to do with anything?” his partner demanded. He remembered that argument, Danno had found a gun stashed in the garage when he was getting some more coal for the grill and he had not been a happy bunny. Steve had defended himself, with Taylor as an example, and he did not want to bring that up again – Taylor’s betrayal still hurt.

“Agghh!!” Danny growled and raised both hands in the air in supplication. “I’m trying to use it as an example, not have another rant at you. Idiot!” he snapped at him and turned on his heel to walk away. “You keep them as an insurance policy, I know that, you explained it. ‘Just in case we need them, Danno’, you told me, with condescending smirk number 2 face on! I remember it well! Why don’t you understand that I need these, just in case? If I have them here, most of the time I have urges I don’t need to cut, just to know they’re here. Do you get that?”

The problem was, Steve did understand it. He felt the same way about his weapons, if he knew they were there he felt much more secure in his home, especially now he had so much to lose. “But this is different, Danno.” he answered him sternly. “Those weapons are here to protect you and Grace, my family. These…” He looked at the jar as if he held a poisonous snake in his hand. “These hurt you. I hate that you need that.”

Danny smiled grimly and shook his head. “I hurt me, Steve.” he assured him. “Those blades don’t do it to me.” He sighed, time for more truths. “They aren’t the only thing I’ve used over the years, either,” he admitted. “You can’t get rid of everything, Babe. I’ve used hammers, boiling water, even put my hand on an electric hob ring. Just like you I can use what’s around me to do most damage. Sometimes it’s the only thing I have any control over.”

Steve couldn’t stand away from him at that, he shuddered and took the two steps needed to get to him and quickly enfolded him in his arms, tightly surrounded by his body. “I want to protect you from everything, Love.” he murmured in his ear. “Why don’t you get that?”

Danny embraced him in reply and laid his face against his shoulder. “I know that.” he assured him, his voice muffled in his partner’s skin. “And I love you too, Babe. I want to protect you, as well. I’m not asking you to have them out on the nightstand, or on the mantle downstairs. Hell, I don’t care if they stay on top of the wardrobe. I just need to know where they are, I just need that.” He paused and pressed a kiss to the soft, warm skin under his lips and sighed. “I don’t want to disappoint you by buying more and hiding them here, Steve.” he added quietly, eyes closed and squeezed him tightly. “And I promise, I promise, I will talk to you when, if I have the urge to cut again.” he added, and he meant it too. Steve meant far too much to him to lose him over this. “Please don’t hate me for it.”

Steve sighed and pressed a kiss to his scalp, trying to think. He really didn’t want the blades around, but like Danny said, he could easily get some more and hide them, and he wanted that to happen even less. And, after over twenty years of injuring himself to sort out his emotional problems, he realised Danny wasn’t, couldn’t simply stop just because he asked him to. Besides, Danny had never demanded he change to suit him, yes he might rant about his lack of procedure and self preservation, but he’d never out and out demanded he stop right there and be something he wasn’t. It was the gifts he had bestowed on the Commander that had made him change some of his ways, he really did try not to throw himself into the line of fire so much, and he had done as much as he could to follow Denning’s new requirements as well, because he loved having a family go come home to now, a family that Danny had given him. He even got on reasonably well with Danny’s extended family back in New Jersey, although one of his uncles was a bit standoffish with both of them. So he could do this, he admitted to himself, he had to do this, for Danny, because his partner, his lover, and so much more than that simple word, deserved it. “All right.” he agreed after a few minutes of holding him tightly. “But please Danny, please tell me if you feel the need to cut, or injure in any other way. Please, Love. And.” he added after a thoughtful pause. “Please think about speaking to a therapist. I know you had a bad experience with one,” he added quickly when he felt his partner tense up in his arms. “I can’t force you to see one, and I won’t, but they might be able to give you some other coping strategies.”

Danny surprised him by laughing quietly and pressed a kiss to his skin again. “Maybe we should both go,” he explained dryly. “They could do the same for you. You know, like suggesting other ways apart from a grenade to open a door.”

Steve pulled away just enough so he could look down at him and smile. “You’re not going to let that one go, are you?” he asked him fondly, and then: “Discount for bulk?” he suggested when Danny shook his head, and grinned at his partner laughed quietly. “Maybe.” he agreed and stretched up for a kiss Steve was pleased to give him.

 

5-0

 

Later Steve watched as Danno and Grace read a book together, cuddled together on the couch, after dinner, and smiled at them. He didn’t know what they were reading, something about wizards and such, but Danny seemed to be using different voices and Grace loved it. The Commander knew Danny wasn’t going to stop harming himself just because Steve asked him to and when, not if, he got majority custody of Grace (Steve had had Chin and Kono do some research and their lawyer was using to their advantage – no one was calling it blackmail, yet) but he was going to do all he could to distract him. He smiled smugly to himself as he watched the pair of them interact – his distraction technique had worked earlier, and he would just have to keep an eye and trust Danny to tell him when he needed to cut again.   
He did really want to get rid of the jar and it’s contents, but Danny was right, he could easily get some more and hide them, and that would be a problem. Steve would lose any modicum of control over the situation then.   
Which was another problem, and he frowned. Danny had mentioned about control, and he had read that some people used cutting to have any sort of control over their lives, and the SEAL could see why. He could also see why Danny would feel the same – he’d been forced here against his will by his vengeful ex-wife, been treated badly by HPD, then CO-ERCED (not bullied, shanghaied or other words the man himself had used – frequently), persuaded onto 5-0 by Steve himself. Then jerked around by Rachel again, and frequently, over access to Grace, running over the islands at the whim of whatever criminal du jour they were after. And he wasn’t even going to think about Matthew and the machinations of Wo Fat.

So controlling Danny’s access to blades wasn’t going to help – like he had said he didn’t need them to cause damage to himself. Just as long as he didn’t use his gun. And that was a horror Steve didn’t want to contemplate either.

All Steve could do, he realised, was be there for him when Danny needed him, make sure his partner knew how much he meant to him, and continue to distract him when Danny needed it. He realised then, with a start that he had spent most of his life not actually being needed by anyone, apart from his country, and even then most people didn’t know he existed outside their own lives. Having someone like Danny Williams, one of the strongest people he had ever come across, need him, a damaged and slightly insane (yes, he could admit he was not the most stable people ever, but only to himself) sailor was a heady thought. He smiled to himself when he thought about it – Danny called him ‘Love’, told him he loved him, and if that didn’t puff his chest up with pride he didn’t know what did.

He blinked when he felt a hand on his arm and smiled even wider at the man in question. Danny and Grace had left the couch and over to him, without him noticing, and even now were standing in front of him, Danny frowning. The Detective laid a hand on his arm to get his attention. “You okay, Babe?” he asked him quietly. “You were making ‘thoughtful aneurism face number 3’.”

Steve grinned at him and looked down at Grace, looking up at them both with wide eyes. “Your Dad always likes to name my faces.” he commented fondly at her.

She grinned. “You have so many, StepSteve,” she replied, which made her father smile and nod.

Danny laughed quietly at his eye roll and lifted his daughter up handed her over to the SEAL. “Bed time for Cadet Williams.” he explained with a smile and laid a kiss on her cheek. “She wants StepSteve to tuck her in.”

Steve looked up at her and grinned when she nodded. “I can do that, Cadet,” he agreed easily and his heart warmed when she hugged his neck. “What are you going to do?” he asked his partner meaningfully. Danny had put his jar on the top of the medicine cabinet in the en suite bathroom upstairs, out of view but within reach, and Steve knew where it was, but, as he had said earlier, he could use anything else.

Danny rolled his eyes this time – he realised Steve would have some trust issues, especially since he had explained about anything else he had used, but he was just going to have to get over it, Danny wasn’t planning on explaining everything he was going to do, why, when and how just to give his partner peace of mind. “I’m going to clear up down here, lock up and join you upstairs.” he told him and squeezed his partner’s arm that he still held. He bestowed a hard grip on the limb, trying to impart something that he couldn’t say with his daughter so close, and hoped Steve got it.

The Commander nodded, he was going to call him on it when they got some time alone again. “Okay.” he agreed easily, and forced himself away, Grace in his arms, heading for the stairs. He knew he was going to have to trust Danny with this, he couldn’t be with him all the time to make sure he wasn’t doing anything, that was the first and quickest way and lose the family he had fought hard to get. Danny trusted him with the most precious person on the planet to him, the little bundle of pigtails, grins and giggles in his arms, the least he could do was trust him to tell him, as he had promised. “Come on, Honey Bee.” he said to Grace in his arms as he strode up the stairs. “Let’s leave Danno to do the washing up.”

Danny watched them go with a rueful sigh before he walked to the coffee table and picked up the crockery that had been left there. Steve’s concerns had been all over his face, as usual, and his partner could understand it. But really, the SEAL needed to start trusting him again if their relationship was going to work. He hadn’t called him on it there, Grace was in his arms for a start, and he decided to cut him some slack as he walked back with a couple of mugs and a plate into the kitchen. Steve was going to have to get used to it, and Danny was going to have to make good on his promise. It wasn’t going to be easy, Danny knew that, this was just one paragraph in one chapter in the story of his life – there was no such thing as a ‘cure’, and he was going to need Steve’s brand of help again, for a long time to come, not just if tomorrow didn’t go the way he wanted it. But still, it was a good start, and it was one more reason why he was so stupidly in love with the big SEAL upstairs.

“One baby step at a time, Babe,” he murmured to himself as he started to fill the sink with water. “One baby step at a time.”

 

End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end, phew! Quite cathartic for me, this one. Please let me know what you think.


End file.
